I thought i'd continue here after writing in my physical journal for 2 reasons. both related to each other but 1. i'm getting old as fuck and can't write as tiny as i use to with the small lines in my journal. I need to get a big notebook, or regular size one for my journals - also i guess I don't really have that much of a need now to write as much as i would have to when i was younger, in school, or college/grad taking notes nd shit, but even actually thinking about it, in grad school and college i started using my laptop to type. oh fun times, past mems. i wish i can go back to school. i missed it and loved it. anyway 2nd point - with my inability to write neat in those tiny lines my words are sometimes 40% illegible so at least on this, i can definitely read all my words. I just hope this will live forever or that I will always have access to it when I feel the need to go down memory lane. Like I did tonight. or if ever want to share the post to someone, they can read it plain and simple.
But more importantly, what started it all tonight was that I wanted to go down memory lane and figure out "exactly" how long i've been struggling or questioning my sexuality/wanting to go to pride. Since it is the start of pride month and I've been feeling the love today. Maybe bc I follow a lot of queer ppl and queer content on my various social media blogs, (cause world is still pretty hateful - which is sad to realize - stupid uswnt article comments of ignorant ppl - thankfully i live in NY which is better than middle america or maybe asian, idk. all i've known is here so.) but it's the start of pride month and again as I think I've felt for the past few years that longing for wanting to be part of the events, go out to the festivals or events planned. But i dont. because i'm not "out" and I would feel like a fraud. even though i dont think maybe ppl would make me to feel that way, probably just happy to see more ppl maybe, but I still feel like I would be a fraud, because I'm not out. Though...maybe I'm not. because everyone's been through these struggles. maybe not everyone, but majority. Idk, maybe i'd find my community or feel like a sense of community. I mean, I have been more open/getting more open in the past years. I recently told another one of my friends about my feelings and being open about liking girls. So there's that. I also just purchased pride socks to wear. And will hopefully be getting the wild feminist pride shirt soon. Though even with that I think, will i really wear it? I mean I want to wear all these things but if i do, is that me coming out? Or will ppl think I'm just an ally? Hopefully the latter? until I come out? but maybe not. Probably not. but I don't know. One of the lessons i learned from Wilson, ppl don't give this as much thought as i am. because i'm putting everything through a scared filter. But i do feel myself becoming more accepting of myself. or, maybe i'm past that actually but just willing to share it with other ppl and just having that dialogue. As always I'm thinking in my head, just come out to my friend diane and jackie. Tell them the truth and be completely and 100% honest. because you've tainted it with others. You've, I've been needing to have an outlet where I can speak to my friends 100% honestly about these feelings so why would I lie, that would just make it harder for me again. Just thoughts. I'm sure if i do ever act on these feelings I'll write about them. Either here or physical journal. I'll make myself.
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