Update/no clue

So it's funny, just reading up on the last post I wrote. I wrote that about the college "love"/best friend, and just last week (?) or so, he calls me up to hang out and confesses basically he wants to be with me and how there's always been something between us and we should just give in. I wasn't sure how I felt about it then and even now. Though actually maybe I do...which is I just don't anymore. I don't care to try. I don't feel the same way as I did in the past. I don't think those feelings are there anymore and I definitely don't want to ruin what little of a friendship we have been rebuilding for the past few years. Maybe also I'm still figuring everything out in my own life and my own terms.

I wasn't even planning to write a post today, in fact, I only came to this blog to look at the old songs I use to identify with and remember those past times, and then I started to read the last post I wrote and thought about those thoughts said above. Which led me down this past. But I was also just thinking just yesterday how I only write in this post, (mostly) and my actual physical diary when there is something wrong or if i need to vent something out or confess a secret perhaps. But 95% of the time, I'm writing about negative moments...and I thought why is that? Well of course I know, hard times are usually the easier ones to write about and express your feelings about because sometimes those feelings are more intense, also you remember those more vividly. Except, shouldn't you also try to live and remember the happy moments too? More so the negative ones? I mean, yes, totally, but do we ever? No, I guess not. I want to say I'll give it a try, but knowing me? Probably not. I mean I can hope and I will try to aspire to that. However, I guess recently, with everything that's going on, or really, lack thereof (aka not having a job/not looking for a job/not having a plan/not knowing where my life is going) I am just not feeling like myself. Though I don't even know who I am anymore to be honest. I haven't felt...me in a very long time. Maybe chalk it up to what has happen these last few months but I just feel like I'm going through the motions and not really taking anything in or being affected by anything. I mean I am, but not really you know? I  don't know. I guess this whole, me trying to figure out who I actually am and what I actually want is taking its toll on me and my whole atmosphere/brain head space. I mean, there is so much I want to do and like you know, make this time "off" worth my while. I thought about learning to cook, exercising, joining a bowling league, i don't know anything. And I know I just need to get off my butt and start doing these things...but I just don't. I guess, well no, I know, I'm just a fucking creature of habit and I stay in my routine of waking up and opening my laptop and just fucking around for the whole day and I just can't break the cycle. And maybe i just don't want to? I don't know. But I'm done writing right now.