I don't know what to think anymore...was that love? is this not right?

I've had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind...well two, but one I'm willing to admit and write here is that I've been wanting to go back and read this specific post I made on this blog. I remember the post pretty clearly, I believed it was one of the first times I felt I ever felt love...or that i was in love. (The specific post i'm talking about is here ) Currently...I'm in a relationship I thought I wanted. I went back and forth for months about wanting J...whether it was legit feelings or just out of loneliness. I went with legit feelings because...how could I not? I thought there were clear signs. I mean the thought of him wasn't going away after MONTHs, but also there were times where something happened in my day and I wanted to tell him. That was something right? At least I thought. We sorta took our time to get back into the swing of things again...really communicating and talking pretty open and honestly about how we felt and where we were. I was enjoying that and finally felt like, fuck it just go for it. Let's stop wasting time and just give this another shot. Third time's a charm right? And yet now...here I am thinking about...a past love? Or at least the past post about love I made...about someone else. Who, for the most part I can say is basically like my best friend...who happens to be a guy and who I have a long history with...see blogposts from the beginning of this blog till about i dont know a year or two into the blog? Most of the posts were about him. Let's just call him T for argument sake. But anyway, T is definitely one of the few human beings I've ever felt completely knows me and who I never really have to filter myself with. I can and usually am my complete self with him. He almost always knows exactly what to say or what I need to say when I'm in a state of crisis or just in everyday situations. He knows me. I know him. We have a great rapport and just friendship. There are times I tell him things I wouldn't normally tell other people because I know he'll make me feel better or I know I can just say whatever the fuck I want to him and his thoughts about me won't change. The thing is...I find myself wanting to tell him or go to him about certain things than my bf at the moment. My bf of like a week (minus all the said "history"-its complicated, I'm sorry) But there's a certain comfort level with T, a certain way we talk to each other. I don't have that with J and...it's making me worried. I sooo so want to have this level of comfort with J. Perhaps maybe it takes time? I mean J and I were friends since fucking elementary school with a small break from after hs to post college. Which...I would actually categorize as really my formative years. That time period from after hs to college to now, post college, in grad school, I definitely changed a tremendous amount. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. or even maybe 5 years ago. I just don't know. I wanted this relationship. Three weeks ago I was all "just fucking go for it" and stop over fucking analyzing or worrying. Just give it a try. You want it. Yet...here I am. I didn't feel any different after we made it "official" or have any sort of revelation or relief that yes, I got what I wanted. I think I was sort of numb and waiting for it to hit me or for me to process it. But...I don't think that has happened yet. What has happened is that I'm constantly now thinking, did i make the right decision? Shouldn't I feel different? Shouldn't I want to hang out with him? Shouldn't I talk to him about this that and the other thing? He should be my best friend right? That's what I wanted. That is what I wanted to work towards but...I just jumped the gun cause I thought it'll happen...or I hoped it would. I guess it's just not happening as fast as I would like? So why am I comparing him to T. Why am I constantly overthinking everything? Why are things still a little awkward? I also don't feel...the fiery passion anymore. Maybe he isn't the one? Or maybe...I'm not who I thought I am. Maybe I'm different... ...there's been a second nagging thought in my head for sometime now...though...unfortunately, I don't think I'm ready to...admit. Or put it out there other than having it in my own head. Where its still sort of safe. Though I guess if anyone is looking really close they'll know... I think.

I need advice

SO...I legitimately need to speak to someone. Someone who isn't my friend at the moment but whose been in a relationship. I need all the help I can get from those with possibility more experience in this area. You see, I've had this question on my mind for ages...How do you know that person is the one? Is there bells ringing? Or lights flashing? Some sort of huge sign that lets you know, yes this is the one for you. Because anything else, the whole "you just know" bullshit...i don't believe anymore. I dont fricking know. How would I if i never felt it before? Also I don't like to leave anything up to chance. Also I need to be realistic and get rid of some of those fairy tale dreams I once had about love due to the fucking movies and books I read growing up. I need to stop holding out for perfection or the "notebook-esque" love story. It's not going to happen. I mean really. This world is skewed. On one side as girls we're shown these "epic" love stories, girl finding her prince, her one true love, her 'noah calhoun' perhaps. These expectations of these epic love stories are ingrained in us from the beginning. Girl needs a boy to be happy. Love is this AMAZING feeling and will always prevail anything else. But then...we grow up. Or we are told: 'No, actually those love stories don't really exist and if they do it's because they're the exception." So what the fuck do I believe? As someone whose never been in love, how am I ever going to "know" ??? I thought I knew before...but that didn't last/work. Where my standards to high? Was my guard up too high? Most recently I had a person in my head and was so sure I was ready to get back into a relationship and get into it with this particular guy. I thought about him constantly for months but never really knew for sure if I could ever get that relationship back. Cut to a few months later of me agonizing whether these feelings/thoughts I were having were legit and not out of loneliness, the relationship came back. But guess what my fucked up head does? I don't feel those feelings anymore. Why is it that once I get something I thought I wanted I no longer want it? I guess I'm suffering from the 'you only want what you can't have' mentality. Which is sick. And stupid. And fucking plain annoying. Why can't I just be with this person. He's a great guy, likes me, cares for me, listens to all my fucking shit. Yet...there are times where I just don't want to hang out with him, or I don't find what he says funny. The level of comfort I wish was there isn't. -Rather I don't feel like he's my best friend. I can't talk to him like I can with my other friends. I also don't feel the butterflies I did once before, or passion when we kiss. Maybe today was just a off day? But shouldn't I want to hang out with him all the time? Shouldn't I want to talk to him more than I do? Shouldn't there be a level of comfort there already? Given the fact we have such a long history? Why does it feel like we don't really connect on a level. I don't get it. I sure can use someone to talk to about this. Unfiltered.

Damn it.

Decided to listen to my "reminder" playlist-something I made back in the day when I was dealing with what happened with my previous relationship and all the songs that reminded me of the breakup and me moving on. This damn song comes along. All I keep thinking is damn it. I've also been listening to Selena Gomez's new song "Come and Get It" a lot. A. Lot. But this current song is making me feel...all the feels. Gavin DeGraw & Colbie Caillat – We Both Know Gavin DeGraw: They all say it, all the ones who made it Once you find the one you claim it But you’re gonna have to fight Colbie Caillat: When I think back, the things that threw us off track We handle like a heart attack cause we didn’t see the light Uh-uh-uh and I Chorus [Gavin DeGraw and Colbie Caillat]: We both know our own limitations That’s why we’re strong Now that we spend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, Cause we both know Gavin DeGraw: From this moment, forget what we were scared of Say you’re never giving up Say you’ll always try to be my helping hand Try to be the one who understands When things don’t go as you planned We’re still worth it all Uh-uh-uh and I Chorus [Gavin DeGraw and Colbie Caillat]: We both know our own limitations That’s why we’re strong Now that we spend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, Cause we both know What we’re scared of What we’re scared of And what dreams are made of They could take us further than what anybody can see, yeah We both know our own limitations And That’s why we’re strong Now that we spend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, We both know our own limitations And That’s why we’re strong Now when we sṗend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, Cause we both know We both know

Do I...?

So...it's probably not a good idea/appropriate if I said "hey...I think I might love you. I might wanna try this again. For real this time." That/this would come off out of the blue...probably. But what do you think would happen after having one of your best girlfriends basically punch this out of you. I mean it's not like you haven't been having these thoughts in your head for weeks already! Maybe even months! Like what the fuck are you suppose to do? I already feel like I'm wasting my time/youth. Why not just go for it? Just fucking. Go. For. It. Like honestly. We never really gave it a shot before. First time around you were ready/able to fully commit. And second time around I was still hurt and carrying a whoollle lot of baggage from the first time. So now what? I may be ready. Or as ready as I may be and you? I don't know. But now do I find out unless I just fucking go for it. Just go for it. Cause I don't know what love is yet. I may never know until I try. And that is potentially where you come in. Right? Ugh. I don't fucking know. All I know is I think about you. I wanna talk to you and I want you in my life always. I don't want you ever to not be in my life. Or a regret, in that we never really have it a fucking full shot. God dang it.

cherry on top

and just to be scolded by my father who just got home, saying "that's just how I am." really? Dad. Really? That's just how I am. You weren't there. I took a chance right now, to open up to you and basically kinda vent. But no...i'm left once again in tears. I'm upset and crying once again at this stupid problem that took place hours ago that i've been trying to forget...or maybe not so helpful, drink away that problem. Though...here I am, just crying again over it. It seems like a daily battle just keeping my emotions in check and not becoming "overly" involved, or making sure a "chord" doesn't get struck within me and the water works just happen. Because that has happend. I repress, or just don't get a chance to work out what is happening to me so it gets released during other times, almost uncontrollably so. Ugh.

I can only take so much

I'm sorry. A person can only take so much. Seriously. I know its coming closer and closer to the time where I really need to go speak to someone. Given that I am in the counseling field, I realize this. I can only take so much and I can only hold things in for so long before it starts to effect my life. I can already see signs that it is. Like honestly. My biggest issue or baggage or whatever you want to call it, qualm, in my life right now is my relationship with my mother. Seriously, and I am not making or adding anything into this but she LITERALLY yelled at me because I Raised my voice and yelled at my dog. I yelled at my dog because I was eating dinner and she was whining because she wanted some food from my plate. This was after it had taken me an hour in what normally takes me 20 minutes to get home from a full day of internship, work and school. And it was snowing, therefore the mta was slow as molasses. Which was essentially why I was annoyed/upset. And therefore, and admittedly wrongfully so taken out on an innocent bystander, my dog. However this proceeded to my mother coming down the stairs and getting upset that I yelled at the dog and pick a fight with me. And when I voiced that I didn't understand why she was getting mad and didn't understand why I was getting yelled it, it just escalated. It somehow turned into me getting into a fight with my mother because I was mad that she did not pick me up from school, though I repeatedly told her that was not the case. My voice proceeded to rise as I got more and more upset by just the nature that this somehow was escalated into a fucking full on fight with my mother once again. When not a month or so ago we got into another huge fight in which I basically stayed out of the house and avoided her like the plague for three days and did not talk to her for weeks. And for the life of me I can't remember what for, but I don't even want to think about that last fight because of this shit that happened today. Which honestly, was the stupidest shit in the entire world. I WAS MAD AT THE MTA. I WAS ANNOYED. JUST GENERALLY ANNOYED. NOT DIRECTED TOWARDS ANYONE! But apparently I was not allowed to be mad. As my mother said what's the point of getting mad? What was that going to do? I needed to control my anger. -Again her words to me. Oh and also I only yelled at my dog because I knew it would get HER upset and then we would get into a fight. Because I wanted that. Everyday I come and I WANT to pick a fight. When not TWO days ago I tried to fucking start a conversation, normal as much as I could muster, during dinner. And Had to POINT out to my mother I was trying to have a NORMAL CONVERSATION WITH HER. Because her tone immediately showcased her annoyance that GOD FORBID I WAS ASKING A QUESTION. Like seriously. I feel like I can't do ANYTHING right in my house. I can't be who I am. I can't be mad. I can't be happy. I can't do anything. If i open my mouth or god forbid express my feelings I'm SHUNNED. or scolded because "it's wrong." Like today. Why should i need to be mad? What was the point? Can I NOT BE MAD? And when I try to explain myself, and honestly, say what was bothering me, it doesn't matter. My mother needs to have the last word. It's my fault. I can say sorry and everything, but it honestly doesn't matter. She was done with the conversation, said she could never talk to me because this happens. She doesn't want to talk to me because we get into a fight EVERY TIME. And left. And I TRIED. I Did, when i started to see this escalate into a fight, I tried to just stop. I apologized, said I was sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at the dog and proceeded to just continue to watch tv and eat my dinner but that didn't work. My mother stood in silence for about 2 minutes and then proceeded to start again. She couldn't let it go. She maybe couldn't admit she was wrong that she didn't have to yell at me but could NEVER EVER FUCKING admit that. She put it on me. She has NEVER NEVER said she was sorry FOR ANYTHING. It has always and will probably ALWAYS be my fault. Can you just imagine how that feels for me? This has been YEARS. This is how it has been and how I felt for years. I cut myself because of her. I have thought about killing myself because of her and these feelings. The thought crossed my head again today after this fight. Because it seems useless. I can change myself. But I can't change her. And what would be the point? I can become aware of my own stuff which I will do and try to work through it but...will it ever be enough? I already feel too stigmatized by her to ever feel like something would actually change. I can only hold onto these emotions for so long. It's not like I can express myself in my own home because my brother and father don't agree. They have just cough everything up to we can't get along. My relationship with my mother will always be bad, we should just not talk to each other. We CAN't talk to each other. This is the viewpoint of my brother and father. When I explained to my brother what happened his exact words was "You guys can't be alone in the house together." I'm sitting here writing this and tearing up and crying and holding in my tears because i don't know. What else can I do. Honestly. The amount of pain I feel almost seems indescribable. I know that's not the case, or there is someone out there that would understand but right now...it just hurts. It really just hurts.

Biggest Fear

Hey, You want to hear my biggest fear and one of my secrets? I've never been in love. And I'm afraid I never will be. I won't ever experience that feeling that I have thought of or have heard about.