A Song for the both of us.

I always played you songs to say
What I never could
Other people say it better
Say it better than I would
But for every word left unsaid
I thought you understood

It was easier to kiss you
Than to tell you how I feel
Oh and I don't want to lose you
But you can't see that through your tears
You're saying that I hurt you
But I had no idea

I'm doing my best to make it
To make it
But you don't believe
Believe that I am

Just cause you say it's so
Doesn't make it so
Singing I don't show
What I'm feeling for you
I'd rather shut my mouth
Than spell it out
There's no doubt
When it's written all over my face
What you want me to say that I don't say
What you want when it's written all over my face
If you want we can talk about it all day
But what's to say when it's written all over my face

You're not one of my boys
You can't get inside my mind
I'm not one of your girlfriends
Who's gonna see it from your side
What you lay on the table
Well I choose to keep inside

I'm doing my best to make it
To make it
But you don't believe
Believe that I am

Just cause you say it's so
Doesn't make it so
Singing I don't show
What I'm feeling for you
I'd rather shut my mouth
Than spell it out
There's no doubt
When it's written all over my face
What you want me to say that I don't say
What you want, when it's written all over my face
If you want we can talk about it all day
But what's to say when it's written all over my face
When it's written all over my face
When it's written all over my face
When it's written all over my face

There's nothing wrong but communication
It's just a problem of our own creation
Sometimes love gets lost in translation

What you want me to say that I don't say
What you want when it's written all over my face
If you want we could talk about it all day
But what's to say
When it's written all over my face
All over my face
All over my face
When it's written all over my face
All over my face

There's nothing wrong but communication
It's just a problem of our own creation
Sometimes love gets lost in translation

-Written All Over My Face - Kris Allen

Everything around me

It seems like today is one of those days were i realized that almost everyone around me has some sort of significant other by their side. It seems like everyone is in a relationship right now. This all might sound narrow minded or cynical, not everyone i know is in a relationship and they might not all even be happy...but that's where i'm at right now. I left off in my previous blog about feeling lonely and its come bubbling up to the top once again. It also doesn't help that there's a fair share of people around me in relationships.
They say great things happen when you least expect it, which is probably true. It is a saying after all, it had to come from somewhere. I guess that hasn't happen to me yet, and I kinda hope it happens to me soon. However I guess that defeats the purpose of the saying because my hope is me expecting it. Guess I screwed that chance of something great happening to me up.
I've also heard about how your suppose to act like your not suppose to care about the person you like. You're suppose to act nonchalant and not show that you like this person, maybe even sometimes treating this person like crap. All for this person to come to you and start realizing they like you. It is me or is that all just a load of shit? How backwards is that thinking? Treat someone like shit so they like you? Ignore them so they notice you? This obviously works for some people because its obvious that word has gone around that this tactic works. Maybe i'm old fashion but i believe in flirting and telling the person you have feelings for them...maybe that's where i've been wrong. All this time im suppose to be ignoring and not being upfront. I figured it out....
hopefully you can tell this is sarcasm.

I've also been closer and closer to telling people the link to this blog. On one hand it just seems easier to tell the people who actually care or at least the ones i care enough to be truthful and honest with, the low down of whats been going on in my life. It seems like the easiest way to let those people know just exactly what's been going on in my head for the past couple of months. This blog has and hopefully will always be my outlet where i can let my feelings out openly and honestly. Which is also part of the flip side of me hesitating on letting this blog go public, as in terms of those who know me. This is the place where i can openly talk about anything and everything on my mind. I don't have a filter here and have to be afraid of what i say. No one's reading this blog....that I know of. This blog is just for me.

Also, i hate feeling like i'm being lied too. In fact I know i'm being lied to because the evidence is right in front of me. I don't like being played and being taken for as a fool. I'm not a fool. Don't burn me. I'm a strong headed person, i know this. I don't really take shit from people and have the mindset in where you cross me once I don't care about you anymore. I don't tolerate people hurting me and i'm quick to cut people. Most people at least. I do have trouble with the mindset, especially lately. I've been hesitant to cut a certain someone from my life recently whose hurt me, but i just can't seem to let go..at least not fully. I've been coming more and more distant with this person and been caring less and less. I haven't let go completely yet and even letting go little by little sucks and hurts. And i cant remember the last time letting someone go hurt me. I guess that says something...

late night...courage

You know one thing i have come to learn is that i hate after a night of going out to drink and have a good time with your friends, once you stop drinking and are on your way home you start to lose the buzz you've had. That's where i'm at now. I went out today and honestly, i really just went out to drink and be around two people out of a group of people who came out. I wanted to drink and I wanted to be around a guy that when we were coworkers use to have innocent flirting sessions. After the situation I have been in with the guy that i truly like and maybe even love, i've just been wanting to find a distraction from that. I wanted to find someone who could take my mind off of the feelings i had for this said person. Tonight i had that opportunity and to be honest, if the cards were laid out, i would have went after it. The main point however is that i hate losing the feeling of being drunk, wasted, tipsy or however you may want to call it. I like the feeling after I've had a couple of drinks just because I'm able to become more loose and not care about what people think of me. I become much more relax and at ease with myself. I tend to be able to say things with the hesitation i would normally have. That's why i hate when this feeling goes away. I want to be able to not have the hesitation to say certain things to certain people, but i do. I do have that frightfulness of being saying what i want, at least when it comes to certain things. I understand the saying 'liquid courage' now because i do become more courageous when i have engulfed some liquor in me.

I've waited to long since my last post to post another entry. It's already a new year, but to be honest, i haven't really needed an outlet to express my feelings. At least, I haven't had the need to express my emotions to the extent of posting a blog. That might sound bad but really, its basically just me saying, I haven't come across some major emotional breakdown or revelation that i needed to get out and express in my blog. I mean, there have been times where i've wanted to write down whats been going on in my head, but i've always pushed it back, and for reasons i don't even know. Maybe because i didnt really see the importance of making an entry for it, but that shouldn't really matter because I actually haven't given any of the people i know the link for this blog yet. So they wouldn't even read these entries...yet. I haven't gain the comfort-ness, or courage to put this blog out on the open. I also hate the word blog, just because it sounds...so blah. "I have a blog, i write important things on it,this is my voice blah blah..." To me, the word just sounds too..uptight and high class, like i'm better then most people because i created a blog, but really, this is just my outlet for writings. I like to write and this is the way to do it and a way to let people read my writings, thats all. So...this is the long awaited blog, first of 2010 and to be honest, i wish it was a little more insightful but this is where i am at right now. Maybe i'll write tomorrow to make up for this slighty tipsy entry. Something to leave off with....i'm tired of being lonely.

Tried

You know today, i just really wanted some peace and quiet. I stayed away from communication with most people. I just didn't feel up to it today to talk with anyone...but you. i was hoping you would text me, or reach out to me in some way. You would have been the person to make me feel better, or the one I wanted to make me feel better. But instead I chose to just not talk, not reach out to anyone. I felt like i needed to do that for myself. I'm also reeling from a birthday debacle that hurt me in some ways. I'll post the entry I wrote about that day in another post. But sometimes I do feel like I need to go into a shell, just to gain perspective, or just to have some quiet and think. And the thoughts I came up with today? I never got stressed before about these friendships i've made. I never over-analyzed at least not to the point were it kept me up all night and it was all i thought about. You know, I just, i never gave too much thought about me and you. I always thought we were just friends, great friends. I never once felt like it could be something more. Once light was shed that you might have felt differently I told myself, still...dont think it could be something more. Don't think too much into this revelation just so I wouldn't get hurt. I wouldn't be left after you were gone, thinking about you and having these feelings for you. And...on the flip side of everything, it still turned out this way. But it just boggles my mind because at the start of all this and the majority of our friendship, thats all that I thought about it. We were just really good friends. My own insecurities about not wanting to bother you or fearing i talked to much with you was never an issue before. But its different now and these insecurities became present. Along with these insecurities came feelings and me constantly thinking about you and our situation. Oh how i just wish I could say all this to you and figure some sort of stable ground. Or really just decided whether this can become something more or we just forget it all together. Someone said to me the other day that this friendship has already changed so either go forth or just forget about it all because it wasn't worth it, and if you didn't feel the same way, then it definitely isn't worth it.

Linger

I heard a song today that just reinstated why I started this blog in the first place. I looked up the lyrics and they fit so perfectly on whats been going on in my life lately. Here it is.

If you, if you could return
Don't let it burn, don't let it fade
I'm sure i'm not being rude
But it's just your attitude
It's tearing me apart
It's ruining everything
And i swore, i swore i would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But i'm in so deep
You know i'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, i thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But i was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn't be so confused
And i wouldn't feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And i'm in so deep
You know i'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger


You know i'm such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

-Linger, Cranberries
(I heard the Kelly Clarkson cover of this song by the way)

back to back posts- 2 parts

Part 1-My Thoughts
My thoughts have been racing lately. My sleeping schedule has been thrown off and a shitload of thoughts have infiltrated my head. I feel like i'm going to have to start carrying a notebook and pen around me at all times just so i can jot down all the random thoughts i have in my head. The ones that I at least wanna write down and save in an important place. I've had so many thoughts pass through my head that I've wanted to save and remember to either write down in a notebook or to put into a post on this blog. It sucks because I have such bad short term memory, and i put the blame on the fact that i've become so good at repressing thoughts that even good thoughts get repressed now. They get so easily forgotten and lost in this brain of mine that its really hard to get them back. I've had to come to the conclusion of wanting to carrying a pen and paper around with me at all times. That or to somehow finally release all the thoughts and memories i've repressed over the years to help create the space in my head to actually hold onto short term memories. I believe the only way of truly helping myself in the long run would be to go to a therapist and actually talk to someone about it. However I can't right now but I am counting this as my first step. This is helping me get my thoughts out.
Last night at around 4am i couldn't fall asleep. I had so many thoughts running around in my head that needed to escape or else. I needed to tell someone something, to get something out of my head. I ended up sending a message to the one person I could think of that I would feel comfortable doing that too. This is the one person in my life at this point in time that I could truly talk to and really, really understand me. I feel like people say that all the time, but I think I really did find the person I could count on forever and always. At least I hope so. It feels that way to me now. So I sent the message...tried to go to sleep afterwards and still could not. Thats when I got the nearest thing that I could "write" my feelings down which was the notepad on my ipod. After I wrote a little I sent it to my email and was finally able to fall asleep.

Part 2-Love
You know, my definition of love has been relatively constant from the time that I fully started to understand the concept. When I was little I never knew what that word meant, in fact I can't even remember coming across that word when I was little. Maybe during valentine's day, or making cards for my parents on Mother's or Father's day. However it was always just to put Love, my name. I didn't come from a household that expressed their love, at least not literally. As I got older and started to develop more ideological thinking and such, the word started to get some meaning. For a good portion of my life I would never say the words I Love You, or use the word love to express something. I didn't throw the word around lightly, or better yet, I didn't really throw the word around at all. I would hear my friends tell their friends how much they loved them, or see my friends who were in relationships say that they loved their boyfriend or girlfriend. I could never do that.
I started to grow up with the concept of love that was built on what was portrayed on television and in the movies. I got swooped up in that fairy tale love that is shown and what everyone wants. I heard, just recently that anyone can write a romance novel. You just need two characters who have to overcome this great obstacle and one has to sacrifice themselves for the other and of course the ending has to be a happily ever after. At least the good happy stories. This is what's portray to girls, this is how people start to believe how love is, when in reality...its not. Love is not always perfect. I know that now, as I've grown up, however I would be lying if I didn't still wish and secretly hope I do have a fairy tale love and a happily ever after. Back to the reason I could never use the word love was because I always felt love meant almost complete devotion to someone. I felt like you truly loved someone when you would give up anything and everything for them. I felt like if you were willing to sacrifice yourself for this person that you loved them. And I never felt that way towards anyone...until now.
I've found someone who I can be completely and 100% honest with. I can be myself around this person and its totally fine. We're on the same page and feel the same way about things. Of course we're not twins and think the same about everything but I'm okay with that. Sure there are things that bother me about this person and some things I dont necessarily understand, however for the most part, we get each other. There are times where I have doubt about his feelings towards me, but who doesn't? I believe thats human nature to have some ounce of self esteem issues. But this person is someone that I can't stop thinking about. He's on my mind everyday and I've never felt like this before. However life's not perfect and my life is no different.
Circumstances have come up where this person and I are not together. In fact I've never really truly told him how I felt. Then again, for the most part I've just recently come to this revelation of what I wrote up there. It isn't unknown to the both of us however that we have feelings for each other. We just see some many obstacles in our way for us to be together that we can't really look past them. He doesn't want to hurt me and we both don't want our friendship to be ruined. I can't speak for him, though I think its also true on his behalf, but I don't think I could stand it if he weren't in my life. I just, there's just so many hardships we would have to get past to even try this out. A part of me wants to just go for it and try it. This is my first time feeling like this and i don't know when this will ever happen to me again. The other part of me just can't see or get over the fact that there are things standing in our way. I believe the majority of his reasoning for not wanting to give this a try is because he doesn't want to hurt me, which he has said time and time again. Believe you me, I don't want to be hurt by him also but it is a two way street. There are two people, for the most part, involved in this. I want to give this a try, I have hope that this could work and be something special. I believe in the fact that if it doesn't kill you, it makes you stronger. It's only a mistake if you didn't learn from it.
This has been on my mind these past couple of days and I fear its only gonna get stronger until I sort this out and figure out exactly what i want to do.

Not to long

I created this blog as my outlet. I don't want the time between posts to drag on because knowing me? i'll just stop posting all together. It's been a couple of hectic days since my last post. My mind has been all over the place. I can't even remember or pinpoint my past few emotional days just because i'm so use to repressing them. But lets see, i had my string of finals to take, my birthday in the midst of that, as well as my best....? good friends 21st birthday. I feel like using the expression best friend is a contradiction to one of my earlier posts, but i really do feel like shes becoming one of my best friends. And i may be shooting myself in the foot right now and regretting say that later, but as of right now, thats how i feel. So also between all that I got into a terrible fight with my mom, once again, which ended up with us not talking for days and her not talking to me on my birthday. Not even wishing me a happy birthday. Thanks mom...i'll always remember my XX birthday as the one where you didnt even wish me a happy birthday. Though thats not much different from the rest of my birthdays, they usually just suck all together anyway. But enough about that for now.

I finally got to go out last night for my friends 21st birthday. I was hesitant to go, and even planning on backing out. However it turned out to be a good night. I had fun. Ah, dont know how else to put my mind out, and cant find lyrics. This is a time crunch post, just wanted to put in a little something before i go on and stop posting all together. Come back to post, when i can.