Grain of Salt

This post is mostly dedicated to you. I'm hoping one day I'll be able to share this with you.

I got hit with a wave of nostalgia and the urge to look into the past. After just reading, thinking and remembering about the people we were in the past, it lead me to right this post. Its making me think, and miss about how our relationship use to be. I use to be able to trust you completely. I felt like I could talk to you so openly and honestly. You've been the one person, in a long time, if ever, that I could just be myself around. I didn't have to filter what I wanted to say. I never had to guard myself around you. I just felt so comfortable and myself around you. I loved that feeling. You made me happier then I ever felt in a really long time. I found my one friend I needed all my life to just be there for me. The person I could count on to listen to me and just be around who wouldn't get sick of me. I never had to take whatever you said with a grain of salt. I trusted the words you would say to me and never thought too much on how this could be a lie. I can't say the same now though. I've come to realize that I have lost my trust in you. You hurt me a lot with the actions you've done. I tried to kid myself and lessen this hurt so we could end up being okay and back to ourselves. However I can't do that anymore. We aren't the same. I'm different. You're different. This may all stem from the fact that I feel the distant I've felt for the past month come up again. I thought we got past all that, but apparently not. Before, this distant feeling would never even come up. I would never feel this way with you before. Ever since you've hurt me though I've had these feelings come up. My view of you has changed. I never thought you would hurt me the way you did. And the best part is that I tried my hardest on not getting hurt. As things were going down I was telling myself, don't think too much on this subject, don't get hurt. Keep the guard you've had up for the past couple of years up because you don't want to get hurt again. Then there was a part of me thinking you could never hurt me, I trusted you not to. I thought our special relationship could survive it and we'll be okay. So my guard went down a little. I started to really feel and let go. And as soon as I did, I got hurt. You hurt me. I told you after everything was done with, and you started to reach out to me again that I was okay with it all. That I understood what you did, because I just wanted to be friends with you again. I just wanted our friendship and relationship back. I wanted that guy who I could be totally honest and myself with because I was deprived of that for a long time. I had to be around you for about a month, maybe 2 months and had to suffer with the fact that you really weren't that guy for me anymore. You weren't there when I needed you the most, and it was your choice! It was your actions that made this happen! But after all was said and done, I told you it was okay. I understood why you made the choices you did. I never mentioned just how much it hurt me though, or at least I didn't tell you just to what extent it hurt me. I didn't want you to know how much it hurt me because really, I just wanted my friend back. I wanted to go back towards the comfort we had. And I felt like we did...for about 2 seconds. I just can't help that in the back of my head I have this feeling of hurt with me. I have thoughts about how I'm not sure whether I can fully trust the words your saying to me. Its hurting me now because before, I felt like I could have this conversation with you, and it wouldn't push you away. Because you've already been pushed away, in a sense, I feel like I can't bring up this subject to you. I can't have this conversation with you because I am afraid of what you'll say. I never felt like this before. Its also the fact that I do feel that because we had that period of time of us being distant with each other, its happening more so now then before. It just sucks. Plain and simple. I hate that you hurt me. I hate that I felt like I lost you when I did. I hate the fact that I feel like im still losing you and that we lost the friendship we had. We had a conversation before saying that we both felt like we had this strong, awesome bond with each other. That we could openly tell each other anything and the other would understand completely. You told me before that I was one of the few people that you could talk too. Now I feel like that could have all been lies. YOU told me that you wanted me in your life for YEARS! YOU said I meant something to you! That I was important to you! You would hate it if you lost me in your life! That You wanted me in your life in some way all the time! Was that just lies?? I want to believe it wasnt. I really really do, because I felt the same way. I valued our friendship so much. You were very much an important figure in my life! Other people in my life could see the difference in me after I met you! They saw how happy I was and it was because I finally found someone I could be 100% myself with. That was you! I really can't help but feel like you didn't mean all the words to me. I just feel like if that were the case, if everything you said we're true, I wouldn't be feeling this way. I can't help but feel selfish for even saying that as well. Maybe I'm looking too much into this, however its really how I feel. It is me? Do I just put too much into something? Should I just relax and go with the flow? Argh. Past friendships and those that have been lost have made me feel these conflicting feelings. I don't want to lose this friendship. I was too serious with some past relationships, I put too much importance on them. I valued them too much I guess and that ended up with me losing those friendships because of that. So I could learn from those friendships that I've lost and just chill out with this one and not think about it. However on the other side of it, all friendships are different, I should learn from my mistakes, but this might not be the same. I don't know. I'm just hurting. I don't know what to do. I just want to take a step back and just forget it all. Go with the flow. However will I lose you because of that? Because I feel like there's a chance I will, especially if all you said was a lie. Therefore now, I feel like I have to take things you say with a grain of salt. I always say that if someone screws me over, then I'm done with them. I don't need them in my life. I should be strong and independent. I feel like I should be kicking myself for still wanting you in my life after the things you did to me. But I'm not, and I'm still wanting to have a friendship with you. I can't help it. But will this all just bite me in the ass later? Guess if it does, I'll grow from it again, like I have in the past. I never thought this would is what I would be thinking about with you. I wanna go back to September.