Friendships don't have to be forever

I guess I have to be reminded sometimes. That friendships can come and go and that, you shouldn't be friends with people who aren't good for you. Honestly. You can be "close" friends with someone for 2+ years and then...not. 

I hate the way I started this blog but. My point is...why do I should/need to stay in a friendship with someone who makes me feel like shit? Who I feel constantly disregards whatever I say, disvalues whatever I say and just makes condescending comments to me almost every time I open my mouth? Why do I have to put up with that? Why should I. 

Maybe tonight is just the final nail in the coffin or has made me open my eyes further on how badly I'm being treated. A GNO isn't suppose to make me feel like shit and feel like I might as well be invisible...that it was better for me to keep my mouth shut because whatever I said, didn't matter. It was 'safer' for me to keep my mouth shut, because if i didn't say anything, my friend couldn't make a comment towards me that was condescending. --This could also be my perception, I mean that's a possibility. I could ask my other friend who is part of this trifecta, but she doesn't like confrontation. Also, there is a slight fear that she hasn't noticed it and doesn't think anything of it, and perhaps I'm making this a bigger deal than it is. However, if it is making me feel like shit? I think that is a legitimate reason. I can't be making this up completely! There has to be something. Maybe it's a guilty conscious cause I said to my friend I hated her girlfriend but I really, really, don't think thats it. Though maybe that's why my friend is acting this way towards me. She is just being passive aggressive with condescending undertones. 

I mean, I have always felt a slight twinge around her that she thought she was better than me, in some ways. I always felt so inferior to her and which I think gave her more power to make me feel like that. But, again, maybe tonight was just the final nail in the coffin to fully make me realize that this is actually happening, whether she realizes it or not. I mean speaking from observing our body language, she never faced me when we were waiting for our table. During dinner she hardly spoke to me or had eye contact with me. It was always to our other friend. Which I have no doubt they're closer, or at least were. Who knows now.  But I also feel like my friend has to say things to make herself feel special or difference, because it will somehow give her more value? In some ways? Like she has to mention how difficult things will be for her since she is gay. Which, yes. Valid, valid point. I get it, I understand it, TRULY. But she makes it seem like no one in the world could possibly understand that and I get it, she thinks no one in group of friends can, but she doesn't know that for sure. I think what also makes me mad is that she makes it seem like she knows me better than I know myself, which is crazy! It's like she always has to be the best or different, constantly. If i try to say something, even remotely challenging her or arguing with her, I get shot down because I don't know better, because 'she has experienced it.' She has experienced everything but we would never know because she doesn't tell us about it, until the moment she wants to share to prove a point. Or to showcase how wrong I am. It's not like I can even fucking argue, there's no point because she will always find some winning argument. Even when she was saying her cousin got into West Point, which was a Navy school, being so sure about this, and how he got a full ride on a soccer scholarship, almost boastful, which when I stated West Point was Army and of course she did not believe me right away, however when I stated for sure, she stated 'oh well' and brushed the knowledge under the table saying she doesn't know about that shit anyway. It was just little shit like that, that took me over the edge today.

I don't want to be around someone that makes me feel less-confident and good about myself. That isn't what a friend should do, or what a friendship should entail. I guess this is just something I have to remind myself though and somewhat get over my fear of being alone/lonely. If I start to distance myself from this particular friendship, I may be blacklisting myself or unintentionally distancing myself from my other friends, whom I still want to be around and who do not make me feel like shit. So I'm somewhat stuck. And I'm just too tired to continue to talk about this anymore. 

short late night post

I should probably stop drinking...

...I'm afraid it's going to become a problem...

...and that is one of my top (5)? fears.

First of many probably about sexuality

I'm 24 years old. I still don't know who exactly I am. I'm still figuring myself out but, maybe...just maybe, i'm also starting to allow myself to really get to know myself. If that makes sense. Once again, like almost all my posts, especially my more recent ones, this is almost, if not all stream of consciousness and spurred/fueled by alcohol. Perhaps its the alcohol that allows my brain to not only get fuzzy but obviously it lowers my inhibition and allows me to be me. Uninhibited, free flowing thoughts, little to no defense mechanisms up me. 

Anyway, I was going through my naomily tag (look it up- because it's everything I want to keep) and I thought to myself, why, why does this fictional television couple cause me so many feels? Is it because they weren't necessarily identified as "gay" characters from the beginning? Or they simply just were two people who connected and fell in love, who happened to be the same sex. Disclaimer- I have not seen any episodes of Skins (UK) but I have watched what I think is, every Naomi and Emily scene there is, so I think I got the gist or enough to completely fall in love with this couple. ANYWAY. (getting more wine-break)

No but really. I look through my tag of this couple and it makes me think, *every time* and question my sexuality. Which...I have been doing a lot lately. I would say in the past year or so. I blame tumblr. 

No I don't, in fact I love tumblr. Yes it is a HUGE distraction but it's helping me slowly accept who I am and let me know on some levels that I'm not alone. But back to naomily-ish: (sorry for the jumping around - again all straight up stream of consciousness tonight)

Every time I re-watch scenes of this couple or see gifs/gif sets of them I think about how these two just love each other. They don't care about gender, they just connected, there was something just...there...and I...so desperately want to feel/have a connection like that. I don't care what gender. Now this has been a thought of mine for a while and I don't know if it's because of the overwhelming loneliness I feel...basically all the time, or if I'm really...gay? bisexual? Why put a label. I'm probably somewhere on the spectrum. 

I remember when I was little, I was a complete and utter tomboy till, i don't know, end of middle school? Was that a sign? I remember my failed relationships with boys. Is it because I was a lesbian? That is the first time I wrote that word in reference to myself and...it felt a bit shocking. I don't really know exactly where I am going with all of this but all I know is that I've just been kinda questioning everything and thinking if I've denied myself all my life of who I really am. I mean, god knows I repress the shit out of every memory so much that I might as well be a gold medalist if they had repression as an olympic category. I was never a homophobe by any means when I was younger but I kinda always shy'd/stayed away from the subject of lesbians. But then thinking about it now I wonder did I really stay away? Or was I curious but on some level just wanted to protect myself from this taboo idea that made me not think more about the subject. -If that makes sense? Like I thought to myself if I pay more attention or if I thought more about lesbians, I'd become one? I mean I was totally fine with gay men and lesbians for the most part but I just wouldn't think more about it, like I blocked myself. Was I just denying myself? Was I scared? I mean I think that was probably a given, given the world I grew up in and because times were different then. It's becoming more and more of a norm to see lesbian relationships which is great and I fully support it. 

But I also have this other thought of...is this a phase? Because I was, am, and probably always will be a "late-bloomer", is this my "college-experimental phase"? Probably? Maybe? But also maybe not. I don't know. That's why I don't want to categorize myself or attach a label but also still not totally comfortable saying anything...to anyone really. I mean there are probably hints here and there...but I'm still just trying to figure it all out. And when I don't know when I will have it all figured out. But also on the other hand I desperately wish I could confide in one of my friends because...this is just a really confusing time for me. I just want to feel like there's someone out there for me, to support me. 

All I know, I guess is that I am open to a relationship with anyone, anyone I have a connection to, who I feel like I could genuinely be myself with, I would love that. Regardless of gender. But also...maybe I do want to have a relationship with a female. Maybe that is why I have often found myself drawn to a female? Whether that be a classmate or just celebrities? That I'm fascinated/more obsessed with females? But then that also leads me to wonder, is this a phase/just me obsessing over something again? Because I have found that I do that. I get on this kick of like a new tv show or new celebrity I like and just go on this obsession-fest. So is this just me obsessing about lesbianism? Who the fuck knows now. But...i think if I really dug deep within myself, i don't think its me obsessing. 

This post is way too long, so i'm stopping.  

stream of consciousness/before panic attack

I don't know if it's because I may be pmsing or a combination of that with a bad day of work, end of the semester shit piling up and/or financial issues but I honestly felt like I was on the verge of having a panic or anxiety attack. I felt/feel my skin buzzing, I couldn't/wouldn't let myself think of a singular thought for too long. My mind felt eerily calm/clear yet also racing. I felt/feel like I'm battling within myself on letting go and having a full fledge panic attack and trying to calm myself down or not let myself think about any stressors and repress the shit out of it like I fucking normally do. In fact in order to fucking distract myself yet not totally lose it I decided to watch epically sad clips of Lea Michele talking about losing Cory and clips of the glee tribute episode and cried it out. I mean it's still hard for me to wrap my mind around him passing but...this isn't what I was thinking about two hours ago or what this is all even about. Again this is/was my way of fucking distracting myself and letting myself feel/express these emotions or to cry it out yet not do it because I was actually thinking of my situation or stressors...I was thinking about something and someone else's pain. 

It's so hard for me to focus on my stressors without feeling so totally overwhelmed which I think is what happened to me earlier. I was thinking of *little* things I need to finish as this semester ends, i.e. a paper and studying for a final but then that also leads into I have one more semester left. I have one more semester left until I have my masters and is "suppose" to have my life fucking figured out. I'm suppose to finally get a real life job and start doing what I've spent the last 7 years of my life studying. And that is fucking...scary. I feel myself start to hyperventilate a little bit just writing it and semi thinking about it at this very moment.  I can't allow myself to think about it fully because...I think I would just lose it. I don't know how I would handle it. I don't feel prepared. I feel like I would completely fall apart and just keep falling. I imagine just a deep, deep black hole and me completely free falling into a dark abyss of nothing. No control. No idea what's going to happen next. And I feel like throwing up as I write that and kinda picture that. I can't breathe. I'm having trouble. 

Then I think about how I'm gonna survive. How am I going to pay for this, for that? I think about how I should have saved better. I shouldn't have lived my life so frivolously. But then think, I haven't really. I feel like I haven't really lived. I haven't experienced anything really. I've spent the better part of these past 7 years with my head down and following a routine. I'm no longer gonna have that. I don't see my next steps and that is so so so frightening for me. Again I'm not sure how I'm gonna handle it. I'm not handling it right now thats for damn sure. I keep putting things off. Avoid, repress. That is and has been my mantra. But it can't anymore or else I am for surely going to fail. I can't fail. 

Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if my life would just stop. End. I wouldn't have to deal with what comes next. This would just be my final chapter. I wouldn't necessarily have to work and by work I mean just deal with what comes next because I don't think I can, which I equate to hard fucking work. 

I just don't know. 

This felt like a day I need to call an emergency or just any friend I could truly talk to about this. Then I realized...I can't. I can't really pinpoint who I could go to with this. There in laid a whole bunch of issues and stressors as well and basically a reminder to myself how truly alone I do feel. There wasn't anyone I could really call. There wasn't anyone I could really talk to or kinda entrust would make me feel better. Not that, that should be their responsibility but it would be kinda nice, right? I thought about the various ppl in my life and...kinda just nothing. I mean I think they would all listen for the most part...but that's if I let them. Is there someone in my life where I would really let my entire guard down and let them know the inner workings of my dark mind and see all my twists and turns in thoughts? Would I let someone know how low my self-esteem is or just how weak I could be? I don't know. I don't think so. So what's the point. I guess...there might not be?  I don't know. I really just don't know anymore. I couldn't even go on tumblr and just start scrolling through my dashboard cause I felt...guilty or like I just couldn't do it. I felt like I should deal with my emotions/stressors on one hand but on the other I just...didn't know how or couldn't do it. 

I'm shutting myself off now...again...I have no more thoughts. All I keep thinking is I don't know. And I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself once I end this blog and post it...

I tried making a list of what I need to get done...which, after writing it didn't make me feel completely overwhelmed but still. Still what, I don't know. I didn't do any thing. I tried crossing some things off my list but it just didn't happen. So I'll have to wait till tomorrow...and I afraid I'll start to feel panic again and I'm gonna have to go through this whole thing again. I really don't want that to happen. So then there's the fear that I'll avoid doing anything to avoid this fear/panic. I really am a piece of work. 

Yea....it's becoming to be a really...really bad, emotional day for me.

oh my mother.

I don't even have enough energy or headspace to fully write out my feelings at the moment and it also seems kind of useless cause i HIGHLY doubt anythings going to change. At least not anytime soon. I honestly don't know how or what needs to happen anymore to fix my relationship with my mother. Seriously we can't even have a regular conversation ever. She literally told me not more than 20 minutes ago that we should not talk. Literally just not say anything to each other. That is how my relationship with my mother has to be. 

How is that anything like a relationship? I can't even fully comprehend how much this hurts me. To not be able to have a relationship with my mother. To not even be able to have a regular conversation with her. There's so many lacking relationships already in my life and to not feel close with my family?! With my mother? 

I'm sure there is the obligatory love there and my mother "cares" for me but like what's obligatory love? Why should that have to be it? Why can't it be unconditional? Or better yet, why do I honestly feel like my mother hates me, or least can't love all of me. All I wanted to ask her was really, what is her problem with me? What about me is it that she hates so much? Or can't stand? Just tell me, just get it out. If you hate me just fucking say it because honestly that's what it feels like. 

I try not to think about it. Ever. In fact, it's probably the deepest part of my life I repress. I think i'd stop breathing if I truly comprehend how not feeling loved by my mother affects me. It comes out from time to time though. Like now as I am tearing up just writing this and still...my brain is not letting myself think about it wholeheartedly. Half my brain is still actively repressing and not allowing myself to really feel. I just can't. 

So instead, we don't talk. I try to say hi every now and again but I'm either met with silence or sometimes just a response with a 'why are you talking to me' tone. It also comes to the point where I feel that she is just purely disgusted with me. Can you imagine that? I know, I know there are people, daughters in the world with situations that are 1000x worst then mine but these are still my feelings. This is how I feel. Yes it can be subjective and completely how I perceive what is happening, but there is still a small truth to everything. Someone can't perceive something out of thin air. 

Today's conversation that turned into an argument in .05 seconds was her asking me where I parked my car (which she has never asked) - this was because she wanted to go to my cousins house. I made a joke saying 'what, you want me to move my car to save your parking spot so I risk losing mine?' (parking spots are so territoral in my neighborhood especially to my mother who hates our next door neighborhood) She immediately gets upset, and granted I was truly TRULY joking, with a light tone in my voice and smile on my face, but she gets upset immediately and states she can't even ask where I parked my car, etc. When I said relax I was kidding I wasn't being serious and she just stared at me for a minute getting madder and madder by the second until she was fuming. This was our fight, which spurred her to say I can never say anything correctly and we should not talk. This is also after a fight we had once where I did not flush the toilet which resulted in us not speaking for about two weeks and me being out of the house whenever she was home for about 3 days. 

This is my relationship with my mother. 

I feel like I'm slipping...

I feel like I'm slipping, like I have no weight in the world. I feel like there's nothing holding me in the world anymore. Maybe it's because I don't feel validated? Though that sounds so completely selfish or self centered but who cares right? No one's reading this blog. 

I just feel like I have no ties to anything anymore. I don't feel significant. I feel as though, if I left this world right now...it wouldn't be a big deal. There wouldn't be any significant damage. I don't feel close to anyone anyway.  

I have these thoughts sometimes. I'm actually almost certain no one could ever imagine, at least not those who know me in my day-to-day life would know how dark my mind goes sometimes. I have thoughts that, what if I was just gone one day, what would the people in my life think? What if I actually succeeded one day and committed suicide? What would they think? Would they ever believe that someone like me was capable of that? Or even had thoughts of hurting myself in my mind? That I was pushed to that point. Do my friends or family actually know the pain I go through sometimes? No. Of course not. Because I keep it hidden and they don't see. 

They don't see. 

I keep it hidden. Just like I keep hidden my real feelings sometimes. I don't tell people easily when I feel hurt or in pain or maybe even really genuinely happy sometimes. Mostly hurt though. I feel left out constantly. I feel like I don't mean anything to anyone. I don't feel significant in my family. I don't feel like my friends actually appreciate me or genuinely want to hang out with me sometimes. I can go days without talking to anyone. I go days without having any real genuine conversations. And I think this is what is slowly killing me, day by day. 

I don't feel like my life is real. I sometimes don't feel real at all. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and waiting. Waiting for something, anything to happen. I don't feel like I am living my life at all. Which falls on me yes. I should go out. I should venture and do new things. I should explore, branch out, meet new people. Stop putting it off and just do it. 

Just do it.

But that's sometimes easier said than done, no? I mean how can I start living when sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it? Or I'm worth it? 

I just want to feel significant. Like I'm wanted. Instead I find myself trapped in these potential hopes and dreams, wishing for the day where I finally feel something. Losing hope each passing day and just struggling to go on. Putting one foot in front of another and just moving. Not really, truly living. Just hiding in the shadows in a way, all alone. 

I don't know anymore

I'm drinking shiraz...so there's that. And also I've just been having...long days lately. Not very stressful in terms of school/work wise but more personal...and just me in my own head, as per usual.

I don't think there's much of a point to this blog post but just...needed to get things out I guess. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Am I just so fucked up that I ultimately need to ruin everything I have? Like I have to self-destruct...I just have to...because I'm so afraid of success but also don't want to fail? I'm a middle ground person you see. But yet, I know I can't be satisfied with that, or at least I think I can't be. I shouldn't be. What the fuck am I doing. Can anyone answer me that? No course not, because no one reads this blog. Least I don't think, yet the "view" counts tell me otherwise. Unless it's a glitch...which I honestly believe that is the cast. I have a hard time believing that, that isn't the case. Prove me wrong someone. Anyone out there in the universe that SOMEHOW stumbled upon this blog and actually reads it, comment. Please. Anonymous is you please, i don't care. I just...sometimes need to know that I'm not alone out there maybe. Or that...my thoughts count. My feelings count. Cause honestly? -Sometimes it just feels like it's just me, that I am totally and utterly alone. I have no one really in my corner...and if ppl say that, I have a very hard time believing them. It's not one of my best qualities. Chalk it up to horrible self-esteem due to childhood.

Honestly...all I ever want in this world is for someone to get me. I just wish i had ONE person in my life that I felt I connected to...wholeheartedly. Whether just to be fucking friends or in a relationship with them, cause honestly...that's all I crave right now. Just...some fucking...connection. Not even physically but just emotionally...mentally...something. Just something...or someone.

I find myself looking through my 'wiw' (what-i-want) tags on my tumblr's which...just makes the ache in me stronger because I still have not found that. I still have not felt that connection with someone. Least I don't think. There was a glimmer in the past, but right now, that's all it was. Could it be more? Possibly. Who the fuck knows. Also why the fuck do I still have thoughts/feelings for the kid who has a gf...i can't help but STILL long for him and WISH that it worked out. Honestly, i really feel that if that happened my life would be close to be complete at this point.

I've said it once before and I'll say it again. One of my biggest fears is that I will never ever get to experience love. I'll never know what it feels like to be utterly and completely IN LOVE with a person. I won't find myself pinching myself thinking i'm the luckiest girl in the world that I am with this person, or want nothing but to make the other person happy, or love all the quirks they hate, to be completely and utterly distracted by them constantly, find myself daydreaming about them, feeling safe when I am around them, can't take my eyes off of them, to be someone's safe haven.

I don't know anymore...