Please...heart attack it's complicated

Please by Bethany Joy Lenz

If you’re in love with me

why dont you show me

If you can’t live without holding me then hold me

I have been ignored and abused and rejected so it’s time you told me

if this is what it is then it is not 

anything for me

Are you going to try 

or is it so easy to watch me 

walking out the door

Please

get down on your knees

or stand there and shout my name

till the walls some tumbling

kiss me and say 

you know you can’t let me go 

baby please say ‘stay with me’

I get so tired of scratching

scratching at your door

You push me out, then let me in

then you push me out all over again 

With you I have been so exposed,

unprotected, and you’ve never known me

Is it me that you need?

Or is the need simply to own me? 

Are you going to try 

or is it so easy to watch me 

walking out the door

Please

get down on your knees

or stand there and shout my name

till the walls some tumbling

kiss me and say 

you know you can’t let me go 

baby please say ‘stay with me’

Heart Attack - Demi Lovato

Puttin’ my defences up

‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack

Never put my love out on the line

Never said yes to the right guy

Never had trouble getting what I want

But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough

When I don’t care

I can play ‘em like a Ken doll

Won’t wash my hair

Then make 'em bounce like a basketball

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear high heels

Yes, you make me so nervous

And I just can’t hold your hand

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

'Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x3]

Never break a sweat for the other guys

When you come around, I get paralyzed

And every time I try to be myself

It comes out wrong like a cry for help

It's just not fair

Pain's more trouble than love is worth

I gasp for air

It feels so good, but you know it hurts

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear perfume

For you make me so nervous

And I just can’t hold your hand

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

'Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x3]

The feelings are lost in my lungs

They’re burning, I’d rather be numb

And there’s no one else to blame

So scared I take off in a run

I’m flying too close to the sun

And I burst into flames

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x5]

I'm a fucking complicated broad.

Stranger

My "Boyfriend" shouldn't feel like a stranger... That's probably a bad sign huh? And the "quotations" probably don't help. But I guess...like I might have mentioned before, I didn't feel a real difference when we decided to make it "official" I didn't get a leap of joy or any rush of emotions like..."finally! this is just what I wanted!" Even though just a few months back thats what I thought I wanted. Now...I'm just confused. Sorta. Maybe I'm just not suppose to be with him. Or...guys. .........Right? I don't know. How is anyone suppose to know? -Also two posts within an hour? Guess its serious. Or the booze.

I don't feel it

I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't feel like i'm in a relationship. I can't help compare my feelings to the butterflies I once had, whether it was with him or with that time in my life I still look back on and yearn for. I don't feel passion. I don't feel anything really. Maybe contempt...or anger...annoyance mostly. It's almost like I'm empty. What is wrong with me? Why can't I feel things anymore? Why don't I feel them for him? What changed between a few months? Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me.

I don't know what to think anymore...was that love? is this not right?

I've had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind...well two, but one I'm willing to admit and write here is that I've been wanting to go back and read this specific post I made on this blog. I remember the post pretty clearly, I believed it was one of the first times I felt I ever felt love...or that i was in love. (The specific post i'm talking about is here ) Currently...I'm in a relationship I thought I wanted. I went back and forth for months about wanting J...whether it was legit feelings or just out of loneliness. I went with legit feelings because...how could I not? I thought there were clear signs. I mean the thought of him wasn't going away after MONTHs, but also there were times where something happened in my day and I wanted to tell him. That was something right? At least I thought. We sorta took our time to get back into the swing of things again...really communicating and talking pretty open and honestly about how we felt and where we were. I was enjoying that and finally felt like, fuck it just go for it. Let's stop wasting time and just give this another shot. Third time's a charm right? And yet now...here I am thinking about...a past love? Or at least the past post about love I made...about someone else. Who, for the most part I can say is basically like my best friend...who happens to be a guy and who I have a long history with...see blogposts from the beginning of this blog till about i dont know a year or two into the blog? Most of the posts were about him. Let's just call him T for argument sake. But anyway, T is definitely one of the few human beings I've ever felt completely knows me and who I never really have to filter myself with. I can and usually am my complete self with him. He almost always knows exactly what to say or what I need to say when I'm in a state of crisis or just in everyday situations. He knows me. I know him. We have a great rapport and just friendship. There are times I tell him things I wouldn't normally tell other people because I know he'll make me feel better or I know I can just say whatever the fuck I want to him and his thoughts about me won't change. The thing is...I find myself wanting to tell him or go to him about certain things than my bf at the moment. My bf of like a week (minus all the said "history"-its complicated, I'm sorry) But there's a certain comfort level with T, a certain way we talk to each other. I don't have that with J and...it's making me worried. I sooo so want to have this level of comfort with J. Perhaps maybe it takes time? I mean J and I were friends since fucking elementary school with a small break from after hs to post college. Which...I would actually categorize as really my formative years. That time period from after hs to college to now, post college, in grad school, I definitely changed a tremendous amount. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. or even maybe 5 years ago. I just don't know. I wanted this relationship. Three weeks ago I was all "just fucking go for it" and stop over fucking analyzing or worrying. Just give it a try. You want it. Yet...here I am. I didn't feel any different after we made it "official" or have any sort of revelation or relief that yes, I got what I wanted. I think I was sort of numb and waiting for it to hit me or for me to process it. But...I don't think that has happened yet. What has happened is that I'm constantly now thinking, did i make the right decision? Shouldn't I feel different? Shouldn't I want to hang out with him? Shouldn't I talk to him about this that and the other thing? He should be my best friend right? That's what I wanted. That is what I wanted to work towards but...I just jumped the gun cause I thought it'll happen...or I hoped it would. I guess it's just not happening as fast as I would like? So why am I comparing him to T. Why am I constantly overthinking everything? Why are things still a little awkward? I also don't feel...the fiery passion anymore. Maybe he isn't the one? Or maybe...I'm not who I thought I am. Maybe I'm different... ...there's been a second nagging thought in my head for sometime now...though...unfortunately, I don't think I'm ready to...admit. Or put it out there other than having it in my own head. Where its still sort of safe. Though I guess if anyone is looking really close they'll know... I think.

I need advice

SO...I legitimately need to speak to someone. Someone who isn't my friend at the moment but whose been in a relationship. I need all the help I can get from those with possibility more experience in this area. You see, I've had this question on my mind for ages...How do you know that person is the one? Is there bells ringing? Or lights flashing? Some sort of huge sign that lets you know, yes this is the one for you. Because anything else, the whole "you just know" bullshit...i don't believe anymore. I dont fricking know. How would I if i never felt it before? Also I don't like to leave anything up to chance. Also I need to be realistic and get rid of some of those fairy tale dreams I once had about love due to the fucking movies and books I read growing up. I need to stop holding out for perfection or the "notebook-esque" love story. It's not going to happen. I mean really. This world is skewed. On one side as girls we're shown these "epic" love stories, girl finding her prince, her one true love, her 'noah calhoun' perhaps. These expectations of these epic love stories are ingrained in us from the beginning. Girl needs a boy to be happy. Love is this AMAZING feeling and will always prevail anything else. But then...we grow up. Or we are told: 'No, actually those love stories don't really exist and if they do it's because they're the exception." So what the fuck do I believe? As someone whose never been in love, how am I ever going to "know" ??? I thought I knew before...but that didn't last/work. Where my standards to high? Was my guard up too high? Most recently I had a person in my head and was so sure I was ready to get back into a relationship and get into it with this particular guy. I thought about him constantly for months but never really knew for sure if I could ever get that relationship back. Cut to a few months later of me agonizing whether these feelings/thoughts I were having were legit and not out of loneliness, the relationship came back. But guess what my fucked up head does? I don't feel those feelings anymore. Why is it that once I get something I thought I wanted I no longer want it? I guess I'm suffering from the 'you only want what you can't have' mentality. Which is sick. And stupid. And fucking plain annoying. Why can't I just be with this person. He's a great guy, likes me, cares for me, listens to all my fucking shit. Yet...there are times where I just don't want to hang out with him, or I don't find what he says funny. The level of comfort I wish was there isn't. -Rather I don't feel like he's my best friend. I can't talk to him like I can with my other friends. I also don't feel the butterflies I did once before, or passion when we kiss. Maybe today was just a off day? But shouldn't I want to hang out with him all the time? Shouldn't I want to talk to him more than I do? Shouldn't there be a level of comfort there already? Given the fact we have such a long history? Why does it feel like we don't really connect on a level. I don't get it. I sure can use someone to talk to about this. Unfiltered.

Damn it.

Decided to listen to my "reminder" playlist-something I made back in the day when I was dealing with what happened with my previous relationship and all the songs that reminded me of the breakup and me moving on. This damn song comes along. All I keep thinking is damn it. I've also been listening to Selena Gomez's new song "Come and Get It" a lot. A. Lot. But this current song is making me feel...all the feels. Gavin DeGraw & Colbie Caillat – We Both Know Gavin DeGraw: They all say it, all the ones who made it Once you find the one you claim it But you’re gonna have to fight Colbie Caillat: When I think back, the things that threw us off track We handle like a heart attack cause we didn’t see the light Uh-uh-uh and I Chorus [Gavin DeGraw and Colbie Caillat]: We both know our own limitations That’s why we’re strong Now that we spend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, Cause we both know Gavin DeGraw: From this moment, forget what we were scared of Say you’re never giving up Say you’ll always try to be my helping hand Try to be the one who understands When things don’t go as you planned We’re still worth it all Uh-uh-uh and I Chorus [Gavin DeGraw and Colbie Caillat]: We both know our own limitations That’s why we’re strong Now that we spend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, Cause we both know What we’re scared of What we’re scared of And what dreams are made of They could take us further than what anybody can see, yeah We both know our own limitations And That’s why we’re strong Now that we spend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, We both know our own limitations And That’s why we’re strong Now when we sṗend some time apart We’re leading each-other out of the dark, Cause we both know We both know

Do I...?

So...it's probably not a good idea/appropriate if I said "hey...I think I might love you. I might wanna try this again. For real this time." That/this would come off out of the blue...probably. But what do you think would happen after having one of your best girlfriends basically punch this out of you. I mean it's not like you haven't been having these thoughts in your head for weeks already! Maybe even months! Like what the fuck are you suppose to do? I already feel like I'm wasting my time/youth. Why not just go for it? Just fucking. Go. For. It. Like honestly. We never really gave it a shot before. First time around you were ready/able to fully commit. And second time around I was still hurt and carrying a whoollle lot of baggage from the first time. So now what? I may be ready. Or as ready as I may be and you? I don't know. But now do I find out unless I just fucking go for it. Just go for it. Cause I don't know what love is yet. I may never know until I try. And that is potentially where you come in. Right? Ugh. I don't fucking know. All I know is I think about you. I wanna talk to you and I want you in my life always. I don't want you ever to not be in my life. Or a regret, in that we never really have it a fucking full shot. God dang it.