oh my mother.

I don't even have enough energy or headspace to fully write out my feelings at the moment and it also seems kind of useless cause i HIGHLY doubt anythings going to change. At least not anytime soon. I honestly don't know how or what needs to happen anymore to fix my relationship with my mother. Seriously we can't even have a regular conversation ever. She literally told me not more than 20 minutes ago that we should not talk. Literally just not say anything to each other. That is how my relationship with my mother has to be. 

How is that anything like a relationship? I can't even fully comprehend how much this hurts me. To not be able to have a relationship with my mother. To not even be able to have a regular conversation with her. There's so many lacking relationships already in my life and to not feel close with my family?! With my mother? 

I'm sure there is the obligatory love there and my mother "cares" for me but like what's obligatory love? Why should that have to be it? Why can't it be unconditional? Or better yet, why do I honestly feel like my mother hates me, or least can't love all of me. All I wanted to ask her was really, what is her problem with me? What about me is it that she hates so much? Or can't stand? Just tell me, just get it out. If you hate me just fucking say it because honestly that's what it feels like. 

I try not to think about it. Ever. In fact, it's probably the deepest part of my life I repress. I think i'd stop breathing if I truly comprehend how not feeling loved by my mother affects me. It comes out from time to time though. Like now as I am tearing up just writing this and still...my brain is not letting myself think about it wholeheartedly. Half my brain is still actively repressing and not allowing myself to really feel. I just can't. 

So instead, we don't talk. I try to say hi every now and again but I'm either met with silence or sometimes just a response with a 'why are you talking to me' tone. It also comes to the point where I feel that she is just purely disgusted with me. Can you imagine that? I know, I know there are people, daughters in the world with situations that are 1000x worst then mine but these are still my feelings. This is how I feel. Yes it can be subjective and completely how I perceive what is happening, but there is still a small truth to everything. Someone can't perceive something out of thin air. 

Today's conversation that turned into an argument in .05 seconds was her asking me where I parked my car (which she has never asked) - this was because she wanted to go to my cousins house. I made a joke saying 'what, you want me to move my car to save your parking spot so I risk losing mine?' (parking spots are so territoral in my neighborhood especially to my mother who hates our next door neighborhood) She immediately gets upset, and granted I was truly TRULY joking, with a light tone in my voice and smile on my face, but she gets upset immediately and states she can't even ask where I parked my car, etc. When I said relax I was kidding I wasn't being serious and she just stared at me for a minute getting madder and madder by the second until she was fuming. This was our fight, which spurred her to say I can never say anything correctly and we should not talk. This is also after a fight we had once where I did not flush the toilet which resulted in us not speaking for about two weeks and me being out of the house whenever she was home for about 3 days. 

This is my relationship with my mother. 

I feel like I'm slipping...

I feel like I'm slipping, like I have no weight in the world. I feel like there's nothing holding me in the world anymore. Maybe it's because I don't feel validated? Though that sounds so completely selfish or self centered but who cares right? No one's reading this blog. 

I just feel like I have no ties to anything anymore. I don't feel significant. I feel as though, if I left this world right now...it wouldn't be a big deal. There wouldn't be any significant damage. I don't feel close to anyone anyway.  

I have these thoughts sometimes. I'm actually almost certain no one could ever imagine, at least not those who know me in my day-to-day life would know how dark my mind goes sometimes. I have thoughts that, what if I was just gone one day, what would the people in my life think? What if I actually succeeded one day and committed suicide? What would they think? Would they ever believe that someone like me was capable of that? Or even had thoughts of hurting myself in my mind? That I was pushed to that point. Do my friends or family actually know the pain I go through sometimes? No. Of course not. Because I keep it hidden and they don't see. 

They don't see. 

I keep it hidden. Just like I keep hidden my real feelings sometimes. I don't tell people easily when I feel hurt or in pain or maybe even really genuinely happy sometimes. Mostly hurt though. I feel left out constantly. I feel like I don't mean anything to anyone. I don't feel significant in my family. I don't feel like my friends actually appreciate me or genuinely want to hang out with me sometimes. I can go days without talking to anyone. I go days without having any real genuine conversations. And I think this is what is slowly killing me, day by day. 

I don't feel like my life is real. I sometimes don't feel real at all. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and waiting. Waiting for something, anything to happen. I don't feel like I am living my life at all. Which falls on me yes. I should go out. I should venture and do new things. I should explore, branch out, meet new people. Stop putting it off and just do it. 

Just do it.

But that's sometimes easier said than done, no? I mean how can I start living when sometimes I don't feel like it's worth it? Or I'm worth it? 

I just want to feel significant. Like I'm wanted. Instead I find myself trapped in these potential hopes and dreams, wishing for the day where I finally feel something. Losing hope each passing day and just struggling to go on. Putting one foot in front of another and just moving. Not really, truly living. Just hiding in the shadows in a way, all alone. 

I don't know anymore

I'm drinking shiraz...so there's that. And also I've just been having...long days lately. Not very stressful in terms of school/work wise but more personal...and just me in my own head, as per usual.

I don't think there's much of a point to this blog post but just...needed to get things out I guess. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Am I just so fucked up that I ultimately need to ruin everything I have? Like I have to self-destruct...I just have to...because I'm so afraid of success but also don't want to fail? I'm a middle ground person you see. But yet, I know I can't be satisfied with that, or at least I think I can't be. I shouldn't be. What the fuck am I doing. Can anyone answer me that? No course not, because no one reads this blog. Least I don't think, yet the "view" counts tell me otherwise. Unless it's a glitch...which I honestly believe that is the cast. I have a hard time believing that, that isn't the case. Prove me wrong someone. Anyone out there in the universe that SOMEHOW stumbled upon this blog and actually reads it, comment. Please. Anonymous is you please, i don't care. I just...sometimes need to know that I'm not alone out there maybe. Or that...my thoughts count. My feelings count. Cause honestly? -Sometimes it just feels like it's just me, that I am totally and utterly alone. I have no one really in my corner...and if ppl say that, I have a very hard time believing them. It's not one of my best qualities. Chalk it up to horrible self-esteem due to childhood.

Honestly...all I ever want in this world is for someone to get me. I just wish i had ONE person in my life that I felt I connected to...wholeheartedly. Whether just to be fucking friends or in a relationship with them, cause honestly...that's all I crave right now. Just...some fucking...connection. Not even physically but just emotionally...mentally...something. Just something...or someone.

I find myself looking through my 'wiw' (what-i-want) tags on my tumblr's which...just makes the ache in me stronger because I still have not found that. I still have not felt that connection with someone. Least I don't think. There was a glimmer in the past, but right now, that's all it was. Could it be more? Possibly. Who the fuck knows. Also why the fuck do I still have thoughts/feelings for the kid who has a gf...i can't help but STILL long for him and WISH that it worked out. Honestly, i really feel that if that happened my life would be close to be complete at this point.

I've said it once before and I'll say it again. One of my biggest fears is that I will never ever get to experience love. I'll never know what it feels like to be utterly and completely IN LOVE with a person. I won't find myself pinching myself thinking i'm the luckiest girl in the world that I am with this person, or want nothing but to make the other person happy, or love all the quirks they hate, to be completely and utterly distracted by them constantly, find myself daydreaming about them, feeling safe when I am around them, can't take my eyes off of them, to be someone's safe haven.

I don't know anymore...

Please...heart attack it's complicated

Please by Bethany Joy Lenz

If you’re in love with me

why dont you show me

If you can’t live without holding me then hold me

I have been ignored and abused and rejected so it’s time you told me

if this is what it is then it is not 

anything for me

Are you going to try 

or is it so easy to watch me 

walking out the door

Please

get down on your knees

or stand there and shout my name

till the walls some tumbling

kiss me and say 

you know you can’t let me go 

baby please say ‘stay with me’

I get so tired of scratching

scratching at your door

You push me out, then let me in

then you push me out all over again 

With you I have been so exposed,

unprotected, and you’ve never known me

Is it me that you need?

Or is the need simply to own me? 

Are you going to try 

or is it so easy to watch me 

walking out the door

Please

get down on your knees

or stand there and shout my name

till the walls some tumbling

kiss me and say 

you know you can’t let me go 

baby please say ‘stay with me’

Heart Attack - Demi Lovato

Puttin’ my defences up

‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack

Never put my love out on the line

Never said yes to the right guy

Never had trouble getting what I want

But when it comes to you, I’m never good enough

When I don’t care

I can play ‘em like a Ken doll

Won’t wash my hair

Then make 'em bounce like a basketball

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear high heels

Yes, you make me so nervous

And I just can’t hold your hand

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

'Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x3]

Never break a sweat for the other guys

When you come around, I get paralyzed

And every time I try to be myself

It comes out wrong like a cry for help

It's just not fair

Pain's more trouble than love is worth

I gasp for air

It feels so good, but you know it hurts

But you make me wanna act like a girl

Paint my nails and wear perfume

For you make me so nervous

And I just can’t hold your hand

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

'Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x3]

The feelings are lost in my lungs

They’re burning, I’d rather be numb

And there’s no one else to blame

So scared I take off in a run

I’m flying too close to the sun

And I burst into flames

You make me glow, but I cover up

Won’t let it show, so I’m

Puttin’ my defences up

‘Cause I don’t wanna fall in love

If I ever did that

I think I’d have a heart attack [x5]

I'm a fucking complicated broad.

Stranger

My "Boyfriend" shouldn't feel like a stranger... That's probably a bad sign huh? And the "quotations" probably don't help. But I guess...like I might have mentioned before, I didn't feel a real difference when we decided to make it "official" I didn't get a leap of joy or any rush of emotions like..."finally! this is just what I wanted!" Even though just a few months back thats what I thought I wanted. Now...I'm just confused. Sorta. Maybe I'm just not suppose to be with him. Or...guys. .........Right? I don't know. How is anyone suppose to know? -Also two posts within an hour? Guess its serious. Or the booze.

I don't feel it

I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't feel like i'm in a relationship. I can't help compare my feelings to the butterflies I once had, whether it was with him or with that time in my life I still look back on and yearn for. I don't feel passion. I don't feel anything really. Maybe contempt...or anger...annoyance mostly. It's almost like I'm empty. What is wrong with me? Why can't I feel things anymore? Why don't I feel them for him? What changed between a few months? Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me.

I don't know what to think anymore...was that love? is this not right?

I've had this nagging feeling in the back of my mind...well two, but one I'm willing to admit and write here is that I've been wanting to go back and read this specific post I made on this blog. I remember the post pretty clearly, I believed it was one of the first times I felt I ever felt love...or that i was in love. (The specific post i'm talking about is here ) Currently...I'm in a relationship I thought I wanted. I went back and forth for months about wanting J...whether it was legit feelings or just out of loneliness. I went with legit feelings because...how could I not? I thought there were clear signs. I mean the thought of him wasn't going away after MONTHs, but also there were times where something happened in my day and I wanted to tell him. That was something right? At least I thought. We sorta took our time to get back into the swing of things again...really communicating and talking pretty open and honestly about how we felt and where we were. I was enjoying that and finally felt like, fuck it just go for it. Let's stop wasting time and just give this another shot. Third time's a charm right? And yet now...here I am thinking about...a past love? Or at least the past post about love I made...about someone else. Who, for the most part I can say is basically like my best friend...who happens to be a guy and who I have a long history with...see blogposts from the beginning of this blog till about i dont know a year or two into the blog? Most of the posts were about him. Let's just call him T for argument sake. But anyway, T is definitely one of the few human beings I've ever felt completely knows me and who I never really have to filter myself with. I can and usually am my complete self with him. He almost always knows exactly what to say or what I need to say when I'm in a state of crisis or just in everyday situations. He knows me. I know him. We have a great rapport and just friendship. There are times I tell him things I wouldn't normally tell other people because I know he'll make me feel better or I know I can just say whatever the fuck I want to him and his thoughts about me won't change. The thing is...I find myself wanting to tell him or go to him about certain things than my bf at the moment. My bf of like a week (minus all the said "history"-its complicated, I'm sorry) But there's a certain comfort level with T, a certain way we talk to each other. I don't have that with J and...it's making me worried. I sooo so want to have this level of comfort with J. Perhaps maybe it takes time? I mean J and I were friends since fucking elementary school with a small break from after hs to post college. Which...I would actually categorize as really my formative years. That time period from after hs to college to now, post college, in grad school, I definitely changed a tremendous amount. I'm not the same person I was 10 years ago. or even maybe 5 years ago. I just don't know. I wanted this relationship. Three weeks ago I was all "just fucking go for it" and stop over fucking analyzing or worrying. Just give it a try. You want it. Yet...here I am. I didn't feel any different after we made it "official" or have any sort of revelation or relief that yes, I got what I wanted. I think I was sort of numb and waiting for it to hit me or for me to process it. But...I don't think that has happened yet. What has happened is that I'm constantly now thinking, did i make the right decision? Shouldn't I feel different? Shouldn't I want to hang out with him? Shouldn't I talk to him about this that and the other thing? He should be my best friend right? That's what I wanted. That is what I wanted to work towards but...I just jumped the gun cause I thought it'll happen...or I hoped it would. I guess it's just not happening as fast as I would like? So why am I comparing him to T. Why am I constantly overthinking everything? Why are things still a little awkward? I also don't feel...the fiery passion anymore. Maybe he isn't the one? Or maybe...I'm not who I thought I am. Maybe I'm different... ...there's been a second nagging thought in my head for sometime now...though...unfortunately, I don't think I'm ready to...admit. Or put it out there other than having it in my own head. Where its still sort of safe. Though I guess if anyone is looking really close they'll know... I think.