Tired

I'm getting real tired of waiting. In all sense of the word. Who am I to sit there and wait around? That's not me, that sure as hell isn't who I want to be. I just wish I remembered that all the time instead of being weak and becoming that person who's so patient and understanding. Well I'm sick of that crap right now. I'm sick of waiting...waiting for what's going to happen next.

no where to write, just here

So, I want to write this as my facebook status, or even as my aim status. Somewhere where people can see it, take notice, put it out in the world. However this just seemed like the more appropriate place...I know no ones going to see it, so it doesn't make me feel all that better...but i'm putting it out to the world, to the universe. And yes, i will reflect later on how i need someone to see this, to expose it to a facebook status or aim status but..i'm on a time constraint right now. I just..again as yesterday, but hopefully i'm explaining it better because it's fresh in my mind.

I just can't believe. I come to you looking for comfort. You're suppose to be that person for me now, you said you would and when i need you the most you're not here. You just don't notice it. I really wanted to say is wow, i come to you to make me feel better and you ended up making me feel worst. That's not the way it was suppose to go. I was counting on you and you just disappointed me.

back.

Wow, I knew I haven't wrote in this for a while i just didn't realize that the last time i wrote this was in July. 4 months have passed by and as cliche as it might sound, so much has happened. I've let go of some of that anger and hurt that has been building up inside me from one person in particular. I've moved on from the point of when i started this blog, well as much as a person can without forgetting completely what happened to them. I still have the scars from that event just like any normal person would after an incident. More importantly I've grown from it, I can see clearly now, then again as clear as a person can really see. Let's not say clear, maybe a slightly less blurry version then before. I forgot how good it was to write down my feelings in this thing. Even though 4 months have gone by since the last time i've wrote in this doesn't mean I've had 4 months of trouble free life. No freedom of emotional despair, stress or emotional revelations, or revelations of any kind. Sure there have been times during the 4 months i've needed to express my thoughts and feelings...and right now i wish i had wrote them down instead of letting the time pass me by. I can tell you this much, again, a lot has changed. I'm starting to enter a new phase in my life...well the beginning of a new chapter. One that holds a lot of responsibility and is a bit scary. It's like entering the world anew. I feel as though i'll enter the world prematurely. Course I could prepare myself to the best of my ability which I foresee as being a tremendous stressor in my life for months to come. Which i am definitely not looking forward to. Which in comes my usual habit of repressing, and not thinking about the emotional distress that will is going to happen in the future. Just not think about it, because...when it happens that i do, and i feel this unbelievable amount of stress and anxiety and sadness...i dont know how to handle it. I don't really know how to deal with it in the best way possible. I just feel like there's an elephant standing on my head. I feel the unbelievable weight on my shoulders and everywhere surrounding me closes in. I get into my zone of just quietness, me zoning out.
Something also happened to me in these past 4 months...i've started to date someone. I never thought i'd say that, at least not anytime soon. I could not have foreseen this happen to me during the last times i've written in this blog. What's even more surprising and out of the blue is the person who i'm dating. Ask me who my childhood crush was? it was this guy. I liked him since...as far as i could remember. I use to picture his as my best friend. I would refer to him as that, even though i was never sure, we never made that distinction in our friendship. But we were definitely close, at least i'd like to think so. This guy was the one guy i could always count on. And..he always had a girlfriend. Even when we were in fricking junior high he had one and he was always so "desperately" in love with them. Alright that might not sound good, but i mean he was always so committed to them. He put both feet wholeheartly into the relationships he was in. Whenever I was with him, even though there were feelings on my end, I always felt like just a friend to him. I doubted, highly highly doubted there were ever feelings on his end. Then..one day in July he calls, to hang out, catch up. I've been trying to do this thing, call and ask to hang out, with people i went to high school with but it never seems to work. I've been desperately trying to reconnect with some of my old friends, and this guy was one of them. I never sought out really to reach him but always, always in the back of my mind i wanted to. I guess i can't really justify why i never called him but he did anyway. This opportunity came knocking on my door to finally, finally! connect with one of my closest friends from high school. I've known this kid forever and sadly through the years we lost touch. He was one of maybe 5 people i was truely truely sad i lost contact with. There was no way I was going to give up this opportunity to see him. And it was a good thing I didn't cause look at me today, dating this guy...moving towards a relationship.
It's mindbogglingly sometimes just to think this is where my life is right now. At least in terms of me being in a relationship, especially with this guy. I could go through all the happy, cute, times i've had with him, but honestly, right now, if you couldn't tell from my writing so far, i'm not in that sort of mood.
I just think, if you question whether I wish there was someone who cared for me and that you would? That might be confusing to read later on, I guess I can't convey how i feel in words to the best of my ability right now, at least in this sense. I just think, i look for you for comfort. You pride yourself on being able to be there for me, or at least you should be there for me. You're always there if i need anything, at least at this point i hope that would be true. I can't really tell at this moment..maybe that's just because i'm upset that i couldn't find that comfort with you. I had a crappy day and all I wanted was for you to make me feel better...and you kinda failed at that. So now, i just hope tomorrows a little better and the next day. I hope to get over this the next time i see you because i don't blame you. I know you can't read my mind...but i was hoping with the hints i gave you would pick it up. or at least, i don't know, pay me some attention when i ask for it? talk to me some. Is that hard to ask of you today? Whatever.

a person can only take so much

I don't know whens the last time I wrote in this thing, but I'm pretty sure one of the few last times I did write in this thing it was about the same topic. A person can only take so much. I look around me, hear it from other people, celebrities and such are always thanking their mother, saying how close they are, blah shit blah. I have no such relationship with my mother. I can't even say more than a sentence with her at a time before shes yelling, criticizing me, or talking down to me like I'm an idiot and can't understand anything. A person can only take so much. I might as well walk around this house like a ghost when its just me and her home because she never acknowledges me anyway. She'll postpone dinner by 2/3 hours just so she can have another person at the dinner table she can talk to because god forbid she even try to have a conversation with me at the dinner table. Oh i can try, but usually whenever I say a word, or a sentence I'll have her yell at me at the end of it. Bad enough sometimes she has her back turned to me at the table and only addresses the other person at the table. Hell, she never talks to me unless she absolutely has to. A person can only take so much before the resentment and anger starts bubbling up and rising over the top and spilling over. It's only a matter of time that all the anger I've had building up inside of me from all the times I've gotten yelled at or accused of something that made absolutely no sense comes out. I can see it happening now and it won't be pretty. Imagine for god knows how long, longer than I can remember that every time I've spoken to my mom I can only remember either getting yelled at, accused of something, or just simply mistaken ergo ends up with me getting yelled at and my mother upset at me. Imagine years of that, without having able to speak you're mind. Having to hold your tongue OVER and OVER again because even if you say something that wasn't at all provoking the situation it would be taken that way. There is nothing I can say...NOTHING that makes the situation better. Hell I've even said sorry and I was wrong in the middle of an argument and it made situations worst! What's even worst about that is I shouldn't have been the one saying sorry! I didn't do anything! Its incredibly frustrating to deal with this on a DAILY basis. To constantly know you can't say anything to you're mom for fear that you'll upset her in some fucking way and she'll get mad and yell at you for something you said! It's not like I say something to her out of anger. I just speak my mind, but god forbid i do that in this house, at least with her because I always get in trouble for it. She yells at me, criticizes me or simply misunderstands and makes me feel like a jackass. 9 out of 10 times everything i say to her ends up with her upset at me. I'm serious when it comes to those numbers and it makes me so upset that it comes down to that. I seriously can't say anything in this house, let alone to her because I always get her upset therefore I get the whole house upset. Hell hath no fury like my mother. She yells at everyone for nonsense when she gets mad at me. So the situation, like my father says, just don't say anything, you can't win with your mother. My own father knows this and told me not to say anything to her. Just never talk to her. I have physical two scars on my arm due to the conflicts I've had with my mother and a whole boat/shit load of psychological ones from her. So many times I envision myself having to go to therapy to deal with this shit because honestly, I can't talk/speak my own mind in this house. This has been going on for as long as I can remember with my mother and I don't/wouldn't know how to fix it because honestly I can't say anything to her without it getting misconstrued as her thinking I'm "giving her attitude." Even if I try to explain myself she has it embedded so far into her head how "I am" and she can't see me for who am I and who she thinks I am/acting. How do you get past that? I'm afraid that I can't/don't know how, therefore this will just keep going and my relationship with my mother will get further and further apart. Further than how it already is. I mean how much further can we get than us not speaking to each other? Our relationship is so cold and distant we might as well live in two different places. I'm not sure there's a way back from this distance and I'm sure as hell positive she won't be making the first step and if I try, it will most likely end up in an argument. I mean how to you go from not being able to really speak to your mother for years, whom you live in the same house yet feel thousands of miles apart when every time you talk it ends up with her yelling and getting mad? How? I just end up getting upset by the fact that I don't have a relationship with my mother and it continues to be buried further and further. Those miles apart are piling up with each second that passes.

vent

I love making plans with you. You fucking always break it. This is two days in a fucking ROW. I called you yesterday about the beach that YOU invited me to go. I said yes, i wanted to go. What happens the next day? YOU GO TO THE BEACH WITHOUT ME. NO FUCKING PHONE CALL OR NOTHING. AND TODAY? LETS GO TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT. THE MOVIES AT EITHER 6:45 OR 9:30, OKAY 9:30. DID WE END UP MAKING IT? NO CAUSE OF YOUR STUPID INCONSIDERATE ASS. Then fucking, fine. so we don't make that showing, there's another one at 10. BUT FUCKING NO, because its tooo late for my fucking brother. A HALF HOUR LATER?! FUCKING SERIOUSLY?! SERIOUSLY1?! C'MON FUCKING PEOPLE. WE MADE PLANS WHY DON'T WE FUCKING STICK TO THEM. GODDAMN. DOES IT NOT OCCUR TO SOME PEOPLE THAT WE LIKE TO STICK TO PLANS? WE MAY ACTUALLY BE LOOKING FORWARD TO THESE GODDAMN PLANS TO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE? NO! FUCKING NO. GODDAMN, SOMETHING SO MINUSCULE AND SMALL YET PEOPLE FUCK IT UP. I'D RATHER GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE MYSELF THEN FUCKING ASSHOLES. GODDAMN I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM HOW MAD I AM RIGHT NOW. ITS FUCKING BLAZING HOT, I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT ALL FUCKING DAY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS MOVIE ALLLLL FUCKING FUCKING DAY. FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE. GODDAMN. I NEED A BETTER WAY TO RELEASE THIS FUCKING ANGER I'M FEELING BECAUSE "WRITING" IT OUT IS JUST NOT HELPING. THE ANGER IS JUST BUBBLING UNDERNEATH ME WANTING TO FUCKING SCREAM, YELL, PUNCH SOMETHING IN THE FACE. SO FUCKING MAD THIS FAMILY IS FUCKING ASSHOLES. AND MY BROTHER DOESN'T EVEN SEEM FAZED ABOUT IT. JUST SIMPLY STATES THAT THIS IS WHY HE NEVER MAKES PLANS WITH OUR COUSIN. THEN FUCKING FINE, WE SHOULD HAVE WENT TO SEEN IT OURSELVES AT 9:30. GODDAMN I'D RATHER GO SEE IT MYSELF TOMORROW FUCKING PEOPLE, I CAN'T STAND TO BE AROUND THEM RIGHT NOW. I RATHER GO TO BED NOW AT 9 FUCKING 40 BECAUSE I'M SO MAD AND THERE'S FUCKING NOTHING TO DO IN THIS BLAZING HEAT. I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW ALL I WANT TO DO IS THROW SOMETHING. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON. FUCKING IDIOTS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES. GOD FUCKING DAMN.

On My Own

Because it deserves its own entry.


And now I'm all alone again,
Nowhere to go, no one to turn to.
Did not want your money sir,
Came out here cuz I was told to.
And now the night is near,
Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him, and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed,
And I can live inside my head.

On my own,
Pretending he's beside me.
All alone,
I walk with him till morning.
Without him,
I feel his arms around me,
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.

In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
Are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know
It's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
Still I say,
There's a way for us.

I love him,
But when the night is over,
He is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without him,
The world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love him,
But every day I'm learning,
All my life,
I've only been pretending!
Without me,
His world will go on turning,
The world is full of happiness that I have never known!

I love him...
I love him...
I love him...
But only on my own...

-On My Own, Les Miserables

Where I fell in love and realized how much I could relate to this song
Lea Michele-On My Own

Piercing, Tattoos, Thoughts, oh my.

I've been meaning to blog for some time now. Every time there's a profound, or at least what I think is profound to me, thought pops up into my head I quickly want to jot it down or blog about it so it would be forever remembered and saved. Especially since my brain nowadays forgets everything. I can't hold onto most memories or thoughts unless they're incredibly ingrained into my head. That might be due to me repressing the shit out of emotions, ideas, memories and whatnot over the course of my years, which I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that before somewhere in these entries.

Today I was thinking, or late last night, I can't remember, I was thinking about when I'll finally let people know and read this blog and whom I'd tell first. I thought about it for a long time and yesterday I realized...I don't think I want to let anyone know about it. At least...not anytime soon. I'm content with just having this for myself. I think that's the best thing. This is my outlet, for myself. For me to express myself and get my thoughts and feelings out in the open when I can't anywhere else. I haven't had to delete anything or change anything in the entries I've posted because...well no one is looking or reading them...at least not to my knowledge. And I like it that way. I can go back and reflect on what I was thinking during those times...especially the last entry. As dark and depressing as it was, I wouldn't want to delete it. It's all truth...it was how I felt at that exact moment and as I look back on the entries I've made I can go back to that one and remember how I felt that day. It was a dark day for me and I'll always remember it.

I've been thinking about change a lot lately. Change in the way I dress, how I act, the actions I take, life in general. I've been thinking about finally getting my ears pierced after years and years of saying I would never do it and basically being frightened about the idea of the pain and infections that could possibly happen. But one day I just decided...you know, it might be time. Add something to my look. I've also been thinking about tattoos...A LOT lately. Which happened relatively the same time the ear piercing idea popped into my head. It might also coincide with the fact I was looking at pictures of a celebrity I've come to admire and love. But i've always wanted a tattoo, I knew that one day I would get one. It was just the matter of what to get. In the past when I thought about it I thought about getting a little B, written in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer logo on my left ankle..as a dedication to my first tv show obsession. I loved that show and Sarah Michelle Gellar. I was never too set on that idea though. Recently I've come up with four tattoo ideas that I kinda fell in love with...two of them at least for sure. First I want to get On My Own with a small gold star next to it on the side of my right foot. It's my ode to the titled song from Les Miz. I've had that song on my ipod for years sung by different artist but never truly listened to the lyrics until I heard Lea Michele beautifully sing the hell out of that song. I realized how easily I relate to the song and by far, one of my favorite songs out there. I definitely want that on my foot. I should also read Les Mis before I do it though..just in case. But right now, I love what that song stands for. Another tattoo idea I have is getting the Claddagh Ring tattooed on my right lower hip. I believe its a pretty intimate place and its a pretty intimate symbol, to me at least so I want to get it there. Its also a small ode to my first tv obsession because that's where I first learned and fell in love with that ring. I've worn that ring ever since. I've also want a tattoo on my wrist which I was thinking about getting Think, Process. It would be a reminder to myself to think and really process what's going on in my head...as so I wouldn't repress it. I don't like repressing thoughts, its definitely not healthy, I know that. However I've done it for so long now, its become a habit, a coping mechanism. So it would be my reminder not to do it. I also want Jan on the left side of my body by the ribs. I won't be a Jan forever. When...or sadly if...I ever get married, I'll be taking my husbands last name. I won't "really" be part of the Jan family any longer. So it would be my ode to my family. Those are my four tattoos.

This post wasn't to thought provoking or reflection based but I thought i should blog. Its already June 17th and I haven't blogged for the month of June. I want to keep up the habit of blogging at least 3 times a month. So here's to this month. Maybe more tomorrow I'm actually getting tired and "talked" out.