i miss you

I miss you. a lot. i wish you were still in my life. I wish things were different then how they are presently, how you are absent from my life currently. Its sad of me to say but i'm hoping you contact me on my birthday. I miss hearing your voice. I miss talking to you, having you in my life. I just miss you and it makes me incredibly sad. I miss cuddling with you, your kisses, holding you hand...jsut everything. I miss that feeling that i knew i had someone in my life, at least one person who was special and i could turn to for evrything. i miss that. I miss you.....and im wondering if you miss me too. I still have that small hope in my that you'll be back, you'll realize this was all a mistake and that you'd rather have me in your life as i was, instead of how i am now, non-exisitant. though that may not be good for me to ahve this false hope..but none the less i still have it. ugh i should go to sleep before this tipsy feeling goes away...i can already feel it starting to dissipate....alright bed. before i cant go to sleep once again because thoughts keep flooding back to you and wishing you were still in my life. ugh i miss you..and talking to you..just having you in my life. why did this have to happen this way? why did tihngs ahve to end the way it did? i could have held on and waited for you to be ready, i wasn't pressuring you for a relationship...but you decided to end things anyway. i have so many unanswered quesitons left....why did it have to end this way?

Sad songs

I've started to write in a journal now...which explains somewhat of an absence on here. However as I was writing in my journal and listening to my itunes, this song came on and definitely hit home. I wasn't going to copy the entire song into my journal however my mind came straight to this blog of mind, why i started this in the first place. Why its called lyrics for words. This song can speak for how I feel at the moment.

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/t/taylor-swift-lyrics/breathe-lyrics.html]
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

-Breathe, Taylor Swift

start of a new-day post

So i contemplated writing in an actual journal today...but this one seems easier..and definitely more private...as of right now at least.

Thoughts keep going in circles around my head, constantly...the same thoughts. He's not your boyfriend, you might as well call him that to your friends, its easier than saying your dating, but are you really dating, what is this "dating," what are the terms, are we nonchalant about it all?, does he really care for me?, is this a fling?, when is going to ask me to be his girlfriend, am i ever going to be his girlfriend, whats stopping him from calling me his girlfriend, does he have more baggage from his last relationship then he lets on? ...and it goes on and on and on. There's also the upset feeling i get when i don't get to talk to him much. The feeling i get when he's not really talking to me, but he's definitely talking to someone else. It makes me feel like i'm not important to him, i'm just some floozy on the side. Then the thoughts go around in my head once again, wondering...if this will ever turn into anything. If this is anything at all now. I feel as though i don't have a right to be upset with him not talking to me because i'm not "technically" his girlfriend yet. So goes the constant, what am i to him thoughts. I don't feel important. I have to remind myself...to keep that guard up just a little to protect that heart of mine just in case this all goes to the shits, and turns into nothing. If all my fears are confirmed and this just goes up in smokes. That i wasn't never really anything to him. He really knows how to make me feel like a 2-bit whore. You know, a girl needs some reassurance sometimes. Especially since its been so easily for you to drop her off to the side like shes a bad habit.

I barely saw him this weekend and it doesnt seem to mind him at all. I haven't really even gotten to speak to him much this weekend because he's not been around. Do we only get one solid day of the week to be together? That's what its starting to feel like. We're together for a day, and its great...and then thats it for this week. I just don't know anymore. I just don't know.

timeless? epic? momentous occasion

So I guess it's kind of fitting that my 50th post takes place almost close to the day that i started this blog. It was a year ago that i started this blog. Alright, so a little over a year ago because i've been so swept up in daily life that i missed the opportunity to blog on that actual anniversary day, i'm only 7 days late though. Though..i guess...i really would like to try to write in a journal, whether it be this or in an actual, physical journal everyday. Memories are precious, they can easily be forgotten and in my case that is almost a daily occurrence because of all the shit i repress, whether want to or not.

So..it's sad to say but i hadn't really noticed that i've had this blog for a year. I started this thing a year ago. It's kind of shocking how much has changed since then, and then again how much hasn't changed. I've said this before, but you never really notice change or how much time has passed until one day, you finally realize just how different things are, or pay attention to the fact how much time has passed. Did that make sense? Who cares, no one still knows about this blog...and i still like it that way. It's for me. And i actually have to admit, i'll like to see the day i finally tell someone about this blog and they'll be able to go back and read just exactly what i was going through at the times of each post, because everything i've written has been unhinge, i haven't held anything back...and never will.

One of the reasons why i did finally notice that i've had this blog for a year was because at dinner with my girlfriends the other night, we started talking about my past. We talked about what I went through a year ago with this guy and my "best"friend, or good friend..whatever, we were close, and till this day, still close. That time was definitely a hard time for me, thinking back to it, it still is without a doubt a hard, and troubling time for me. Hey, i started my blog partly because of it, and this blog helped me tremendously through that time. Which also segways into the dinner and how i found out about the anniversary, for lack of a better word. My friend asked me how I was able to go through that without telling my friend how i was feeling...the girl friend. How i was able to keep my mouth shut through all of that. I told her i didn't know how i did it...but to be honest, i was able to get through it because of this. Because I was able to unleash all my thoughts onto here. I was able to vent all my feelings here. Sure that time was tough and I for sure felt like I was alone in the world, however....i was able to get through it. There might be a few scars from it...eh, fuck it, lets be honest, theres definitely scars from that experience, but you know what, everyone has'em. Everyone has baggage from everything, i'm no different.

I wish this "momentous 50th, 1-year anniversary" blogpost had a little bit more...direction, or meaning to it, but honestly, i'm just writing what i'm feeling/thinking at the moment and i think looking back, i'll still appreciate this post for what it is. It's me. It's me, unfiltered at real time. haha. I'm hoping to blog more in the coming days but right now, i want to take a trip down memory lane. Excuse me as I go read my past blog posts.

oh tswift

Oh taylor swift how you kind of are a lyrical genius. At least to the 15 year old girl inside me whose going through what seemingly are kiddish relationship woes. You help me start this blog and once again you're helping me find the words I'm trying to express with your song lyrics. I'm envious how you can put these words into lyrics and express them everyday through song and dance. I wish I had that ability. I wrote poems back in the day...maybe sometime this week I'll take a crack at it again. Its definitely something special when that creative genius inside can take over and express your feelings inside with words on the outside. Anyway, though this song cannot totally be related to how i'm feeling right now/situation i'm in. It's a pretty good idea, at least parts of this song is.


I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say they're the lucky ones.
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
Too many things that I wish you knew,
So many walls that I can't break through.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Next chapter

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
You're doing your best to avoid me.
I started to think one day I'd tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like the careless,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you say you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.
And we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah.
I don't know what to say, it's a twist of fate 'cause we're going down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

The end.
-The Story of us, Taylor Swift

defeated, glass wall

I feel defeated.
At the dinner table i feel as though there is a glass wall separating me between my immediate.
I cannot wait till i finally get either the guts or the money to start going to a therapist. As i said before and probably will again is that 95% of it i'm sure will be about my family, my mother in specific.

I just had to dismiss myself from the dinning room table to climb up the stairs and have a mini breakdown, then pull myself together just so i wouldn't break down in front of everything then cause an even more debacle...and probably just piss ppl off more. Though it honestly, HONESTLY wasn't my intention to make ppl mad. It usually isn't either! I know there are times i'm an ass and do stir the pot on purpose, however after years, and multiple times were i've gotten yelled at and in trouble. I've learn to watch my mouth and just simply not comment on things. However in this instance today I honestly was just talking...i was asking a legitimate question, however of course whatever i say is misconstrued and therefore causing problems..However i actually took myself out of the situation before things escalated. Then when i mention, and i'm seriously when this is what happened, that I was starving which i felt like my stomach was eating itself...i mentioned that I was starving, hoping to eat first before my brother got home from work, which would be in about 20 minutes. My mother flips her shit. My mother suggest i go drink soup first before my brother gets home. Fine, whatever, she obviously does not want to eat without him. Fine, whatever i'll go drink soup. She then gets increasingly mad and taking her anger out by lashing out at me. She gets so mad and doesn't understand that why, when i got home at 5 (dinner at 730ish) that i did not make myself something to eat. When sometimes when i do, do this, she gets upset at me for ruining my appetite, so rightfully so I did not do that this time. Still get in trouble. She starts yelling at me about this, why i did not eat when i get home and how our father is only home to eat dinner with us 2 days of the week why can't i just wait a few more minutes till my brother gets home. Meanwhile I'm already quietly drinking my soup. I don't say anything, as i've learned not to in this situation. However she just continues to stare at me and questions whether I am listening to her. So I acknowledge her...I say I am drinking my soup now, it's fine. Apparently now I've made her INCREASINGLY more mad and she proceeds to yell at me. So i talk back to her, very calmly, just answering her questions...until i hear my father, who has given this advice to me before "...JUST STOP TALKING...YOU'VE BEEN TALKING EVER SINCE YOU GOT HOME...JUST STOP..." and so i shut my mouth. My mother turns around and continues to cook something in the kitchen, pots and pans banging in her frustration.

Ever once in a while this feeling of just worthlessness creeps up into my mind and body. I can feel the tears running to the forefront, ready to spill at will. I go about my day usually not speaking to my parents, my mother especially. I don't remember a conversation between the two of us that lasted longer than 10 minutes and without us getting into a fight, or more importantly her upset and yelling at me.

I really want to mention this to my parents because honestly, i don't know how much more I can take. I'm not saying I don't feel grateful for all that they've done and provide me with a good life. Which i have a feeling if i were to mention something they would use this against me. However i just want to, for ONCE vocalize my opinion without getting into trouble and not having it misconstrued into something it isnt or wasn't my intention. I have to will away the tears and act strong because I can't keep breaking down about the same thing over and over again. But this issue is such a standing figure in my life that I constantly, constantly have to push down into my subconscious because if I let it fester, or into my conscious...I don't know how i would function and go about my daily living...with this constant feeling of not being able to be who I am and not TALK to my parents. I can't say I have a relationship with my mother because honestly, our relationship consists of me constantly watching what I say, or basically not saying anything at all in order to keep some sort of peace between us. Peace within the whole house as well. God knows if i piss her off, the whole house will feel her wrath then I will have eventually piss the entire house off because of a tiff between my mother and I.

I can't keep dealing with this all internally. I can't even say i'm dealing with this because it still effects me and nothing has changed. I still feel the same as probably the last time this has happened and probably wrote about it in past entries. I cannot think of anyone, at this moment, where I feel comfortable just expressing all of this too. Expressing all of this, 110%, all the feelings I have and the bad that comes with this whole issue. I don't know who I could confide in which sucks and therefore I do have to deal with this all internally. Or at least write it all down here. It gives me some peace of mind that hopefully down the line i'll be able to work this issue out or come back to this entry and reflect on how I was feeling at this particular time and problem.

My heart feels heavy. My brain feels like theres two elephants closing in on either side. I can feel the tears building up and wanting to spill. And I can feel my hopelessness build and radiate out of me. I'm stuck. Defeated and no more words can come to mind because I just don't know what else to say or do.

fed up

I'm fed up, frustrated and don't know the correct way i should be acting in this situation. This post will mostly like not make any sense and will be all jumbled but i honestly don't care. This blog is and will always be just for me. I just need to get my thoughts out and this is the exact reason why i started this shit.

I'm tired of waiting around this weekend. I feel like a fool when i do. I'm starting to get that nagging feeling that once again i'm putting more into this relationship then the other person. I'm slowly feeling that creeping feeling of fear from the last time something like this happened. And i remember exactly how i felt when everything came crashing down. My heart and head hurt for days. I keep telling myself or reassuring myself that I have my guard up, my hearts closed off...open up a little bit just to let the necessary feelings pass through however, mostly closed off...it's to protect myself. Yet how come every time i remind myself to keep my guard up thats when the hurt comes along. Or starting to come through anyway. I'm tired of just sitting and waiting. I don't think its fair that i've had to do that this week. To sit by and wait by my telephone for your text. Not being able to text you or being afraid to text you in fear that i'm distracting you from your work or being that nuisance and annoying you by constantly texting you. I hate these insecurities but you're starting to endorse them and its slowly taking over my mindset now. So i'm dealing with trying to protect my heart, however still slowly give it to you for the hopeful future but i also have the little devil on my shoulder spouting out all those tiny devilish insecurities that eat at my core. I do not want to think anymore. I want to be in a drunken stupor and not think about this at all anymore. I don't want these thoughts in my head any longer. I want them out. I want to be completely distracted and not think about you and my insecurities any longer. I just don't get how you dont see this. Or why this week was so different. Why didn't i hear from you as much as i normally do? It this your way of pushing me out? letting me now that your done, its over? Cause if its not, then you sure as hell are sending out the wrong message because this is the message i'm getting. I read this text today which sums up how i feel.
"You asked me why I haven't talked to you; Well maybe it's because you slowly pushed me out of your life. I'm glad you're finally noticing."

Except, no one is noticing for me. I'm just feeling the pushing, therefore why i'm not talking so much. And i don't know how to act when this happens. How do i act normal when theres obviously something bothering me? How do i move past this when its effecting me so bad? How do you realize that everythings okay when its not? I just don't understand what's wrong. I can't....CAN'T be the only one that notices that somethings off...can i? Am i reading something wrong? Am i getting the signals missed? Or is this something that's not different or out of the norm? I hate going to bed with a heavy heart and thoughts constantly racing throughout my head. I'm trying so hard to find a song that can help relate to this moment i'm having but no such luck right now. Maybe that's why i feel so lost and confused. I need distractions. I don't want to be in my head right now.