...for no one

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

-Love Song For No One, John Mayer

quote and lyrics.

So, I haven't used lyrics to express my emotions or thoughts lately and this post will break that streak. It'll also include a quote to start it off.

"When a person sets a thing in motion, there's a feeling of unease, almost regret, until you learn the truth." -Nicolas Sparks, Dear John

When I read that quote I identified with it immediately. As well as this song.

I see your shadow even when your not standing there
I feel you when I close my eyes
I've been through it all,
And made it out alive
It's only just a matter of time

I won't be (hopeless)
I was so (devoted)
Pieces will come together
I was so (blinded)
My heart is flat(lining)
And I promise you baby that..

I've tried but I can't try no more
And I cry but I can't cry no more
And I try but I can't try no more
And I've cry but I can't cry no more
It's just so impossible going
on without you
on without you
no I can't
It's impossible going on without you
On without you, I know I can't

I hear your walking through the halls
and I know your not home
The thought of you has always remained
I wonder if I call would you pick up the phone
and tell me that you're feeling the same
There's nothing left (in me)
My tank is on (empty)
the pieces will come together
I tell myself(why me)
If I'm wrong(why me)
I'm not giving up baby but

I got an empty bed on my right side
I'm missing you now for a lifetime
I tell myself I'm fine
But I'm lying, I'm lying
And I promise you baby
that I've tried


-On Without Us, Backstreet Boys

I keep going back and forth, at least when I let myself think about this whole subject. I keep going back and forth between being brave, putting myself out there, or doing what seems to be the "right/good" thing and just forget it all. The has been too much pain already suffered to have some more caused. However...I keep thinking...wouldn't I still be suffering from pain if I have all these what if's in my head? This might be the last piece that keeps me holding on. If I say what I need to say, make on last attempt, then maybe finally I can move on. Or get hurt. Though I can say I tried and not think about what if I never tried. However as soon as I start thinking about going with this plan of being brave, I get that tight feeling in the chest of my heart constricting. Knowing, quite possibly I could get really hurt in the end of this. I don't think i'm prepared for that. not yet. So I guess I'm staying in limbo for a little while longer. I did write something a while back directly relating to this topic, which...i guess if i ever let people read this blog, it'll be good to have this passage here.

Do you remember the time where we could talk freely with each other? We told each other everything? We talked about our day, the things we went through, how we felt about things...we shared with each other. And now we hardly talk...scratch that. We don’t talk. at all. I would want to collect all the things I have written about you over the past few months and just give it to you to read. No words, no explanations, just a bunch of writings of how I felt for you to read and digest. Not sure what good it would do, or if it would do anything at all. Except I remember a time where I could have said anything to you and I wouldn’t feel like I had to hide something from you. I didn’t have to guard or filter what I said to you. I could be free. I could talk freely with you, be myself. I guess I wish I could do that one last time. Just let this all good once and for all. Otherwise I’ll just keep thinking, in the back of my head, what if. Then again, you have proven to me over and over again, that nothing I have done lately has changed anything between us. It’s just...not there anymore. And I can’t understand why. And I don’t have the strength anymore to try to understand or to even try to fix it. If theres anything left to fix anyway.
-April 3rd, 2010.

best friend

A realization came into my head as I got home from spending the day out with my cousin and her best friend...all I've really ever wanted in life was a best friend. I've always just wanted someone in my life I could call my best friend. Just one friend I could turn to whenever I needed something. Someone who I was so close with and I could spend the whole day with and not get sick of them. They would be the person I could be myself with. They would accept me and my flaws and love me for me. I'm not near the end of my life and I'm sure I still have a lot of learning and growing to do, however it seems like...for the most part, that is what I've been searching for. I've long for this friend. This one person I could count on to be there for me, and vice versa.

I envy my younger cousin most of the time. Not only does she have an older sister but she has a best friend that is essentially her twin. Watching all these chick flicks that I do as well as the numerous family centered television/movies I've always wanted an older sister to look up too. I have an older brother, but its different...and we have a different relationship then most.

I was a tomboy when I was younger and even now, I'm not the "girly-est-girl" out there. I was a late bloomer. I didn't really get into make-up/shoes/clothes, etc...the stereotypical "girly" things until later in life, well after my peers did. Anyway, I just always wish I could have had an older sister sometimes...to help me out with the girly stuff. Someone I could ask questions to, get advice from...and all that jazz. I guess that also comes into me wanting a "best" friend. I value the one-on-one connection you have with people. I like how each friendship or relationship isn't the same. Each has their flaws and special little aspects.

I just...I wish I had that connection with someone. Someone I could call my best friend. Where it would be a "balanced" friendship. Something like what my cousin has with her best friend. I want to find my twin.

sparks

If i let myself...i still get the small feelings of hope, warmth, and the tingles you gave me back then. If i let myself think about the last time we were on the same page and were...for the lack of a better word to describe the situation...happy.

Every now and then I'll have the thoughts of you and I from the past and that small glimmer of happiness appears...except what follows soon after that is the heart ache of who we are today and the space that separates us. How we don't even talk anymore and the feeling of everything that was between us was a waste...

but there are the few, small moments of where i remember...

screw you blog.

So I just wrote a WHOLE bunch of shit in this blog, yet something happened and I signed out when I didnt click log out and somehow I lost what I just spent the last...hour or so writing a long overdue post. I don't know if I even have the headspace, energy or the memory to even re-write what I just spent the last hour doing. Stupid blog. I wish your auto save was a little bit better. I'm only going to create a little outline and hopefully I can write all that I wanted to write this time..but later.

-How lately I've been finding things in common with some new friends and people i never thought I would. Its crazy how the thoughts you have, insecurities and what not, how people share the same thoughts and ideas. It gives me hope that there are people out there that understand me and there are people out there that can be there for me. It just gives me a small smidgen of hope that I'm not alone out there. Though sometimes, especially lately, it feels that way.

-I went away for the weekend which I was dreading profusely. I did not want to go, I was stressed out and was not looking forward to it at all. I didn't want to go talk about my feelings, share with others and do some self-exploration exercises with 7/8 other people some of which I barely even know, or like. One of the main things was though that I wanted to avoid someone as much as possible. Well really, I just wasn't sure how to act around this one person. What I thought were my two options, bitchy and normal didn't seem like the right fit at all. I also had some hesitation to go on this weekend because I felt like there could be a lot riding on it, when it came to a certain subject. I felt like this weekend could make or break a relationship and I don't think I was ready for that answer. I didn't want to hope that something good would happen and a friendship would be rebuild, or something even better then that. But I was also afraid of finally coming to terms about whether or not this relationship was worth fighting for. I don't think i was ready to come to that conclusion yet. There's no stopping time however and the weekend came up and I had to go on this trip.

-However this trip wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Actually, looking back it was a wonderful trip and overall a positive experience. Sure there were some crap moments and some negative aspects, but that's just life. Once my car consisting of 3 awesome people started to trek to our destination the weekend started. Once we set out on that open road with the ipod music blaring, sun shinning, windows down, I started to feel the stress and weight on my shoulder start to dissipate. This feeling of being relaxed and carefree has been so foreign to me lately that I wasn't going to let anyone ruin that. I wanted to enjoy this feeling of being relaxed and carefree especially during the weekend because I didn't know when the next time I would have this chance, especially since I can feel the work piling on once again as I'm back to "civilization." Also during this trip I made the decision that someone in particular was not going to get to me. I was going to dead this person because there was no point on dwelling of what was clearly NOT there anymore. Again, I wasn't going to let someone ruin my weekend. I'm tired of playing that role of being the one who takes action and looks like a douche in the process or a sad little kitten begging for something. That's not me and I won't let it be me, especially not with a person.

Another topic that has been on my mind lately is letting this blog go. I mean that in the sense of putting the link out there and letting people read what i've written. It might make things so much easier because i haven't held back in these posts, I've only held back on the names of people and the specifics. It might be easier to just let people read these posts because it gets everything out in the open. There's no more need to hid or play the what if game. I could safely say that I took the plunge and wouldn't need to worry about the what if's anymore, which can drive you crazy. However once I let this blog "go" in a sense, its not longer mine. That's what I feel like. People I know will be reading this and I'll have to be mindful of what I put up here. At least I hope if I let this go, people will care enough to read it. But really, once I know that people can read this, it'll be different. I'll be self conscious of the words I write and I'll no longer to the no-holds back post and just say what I feel. I don't want to hide or hold back, though sometimes I do. I don't want to hide behind the facade anymore and I find it much easier when the truth is said. By letting people, or certain people read these posts I think it provides them with a much more inside look into me, and might help progress things forward. But I don't know if I'm ready yet to expose myself like that.

Vent/Rant

I haven't wrote in here in a while, mostly because nothing has come across my mind lately that's been needing to get out. Nothing noteworthy has happened to me over the past couple of weeks that i felt the need to write about. More importantly I've just been taking each day by the day. Just going through the motions to get through the day. I haven't spent the time to think about all that's happened or take a breather. I've just gone through each hour of the day for weeks now. Guess by doing that, and not thinking/processing everything its led me to this point of me wanting to explode. I felt like i needed somewhere to vent, rant, scream, yell out my feelings and thoughts before they get misplaced to someone else. I guess its also why i feel like everything is crashing down on me today and this week in particular. I'll definitely have to write soon because once again i'm leaving for my all-'important and fun' retreat weekend. Yea..I can still remember how i felt when I left in the fall and let me tell you...I'm really looking forward to that again. I think i might be if not equally or more excited about the trip then i was last time i went up. I can only hope its not the same shit-fest it was in the fall but..as of right now, my hopes dwindling on its last leg.

The more important reason for me writing an entry today when I should be tackling the endless list i have of shit i need to get done before i leave and the weekend goes to waste, is that i need to vent. Simple as that. I'm pissed at everything and have no outlet to express that anger. I can't vent to someone, or at least the person i have in mind because i have a feeling i'm pissing her off with my bad, pissed off mood. So, I'm angry a lot, I hate on people a lot. Sue Me. I am the way I fucking am. I don't see the reason for me to guard myself anymore. It's fucking tiresome and why should i? If you don't like me or don't accept me for the way I am then I don't need you in my life. I'll just have to continue to guard myself when I'm around you and what kind of shit is that? How much work is that to do for the rest of my life?

People disgust me. I don't get why you have to put on a front, or act the way that you do. Why must you have to have the constant need for attention or to be a jackass? I don't understand why you say someone's annoying as FUCK yet you still make the effort to talk to that person? or you something to reach out to them? I DON'T FUCKING get it. I don't know how the fuck your head works. You're also one of the reasons why I'm dreading this fucking weekend and its not fucking surprise that you had this effect on me last year as well. I don't even think I can help not being an asshole to you during the weekend. At this point, because i'm so fucking pissed theres no way I can be civil. I wont be fake and act like everythings okay. Which is exactly why I can't imagine this weekend will be anything but shit.

I thought venting would help me out, however its only getting me madder. I can't think of anything right now that would help me calm down. I can feel my blood boil and its getting to the tipping point. AND i'm getting a fucking headache. I can almost feel myself starting to shake with anger. I can't focus on anything nor can I really pinpoint everything that's making me mad. Though I can pinpoint what caused me to almost go over board, which is what I wrote up ^ there.

I'm tired of being kick to the fucking curb and obviously not cared for. And that goes for more than one instant. I don't know how much more I can put up being constantly shit on by my mother. It's getting to the point that the deliberate efforts on her part to ignore me are getting more and more obvious, when as a mother that shouldn't be the FUCKING case. I know i'm not the favorite. I know i'm the second best child. I can pretty much go throughout my day with being in this house and not being talked to. If i am being talked to by her, its mostly to put me down or criticize me. Mostly I get constantly ignored by her. I'm going away for the weekend, she knows this. I won't be in cell phone range therefore we'll have limited if at all communication. So what does she do? She makes the grand ol' effort to talk to my brother about the plans she has for their weekend. She talks to him and only him when we're both her children and both in the house. There's three people in the house yet she'll only talk to one. She won't acknowledge me only when she needs to yell. I can only be pushed so far. Half of my therapy will be because of this shit. This is everyday. Her not including me in the conversations, her just talking to my brother. Her outright expressing her concern over my brothers behalf and not mine. Its sickening. I've had to deal with this for some time now. And its just pushing me farther over the edge.

I can't tell when this angers going to die down. It hasn't yet after venting and hopefully it wont get misplaced onto someone else and they'll have to feel my wrath. I'm trying hard for that not to happen.

quick post

Had to get my thoughts out in case i forgot them...

How hard is the truth from you? Or How am i suppose to tell that your telling me the truth and that all that you say to me is what you really feel. All those persona's you portray only reinforce the fact that I can never know when your being honest with me. How do i know that i'm not another one of your little puppets you like to play around with? I know to some extent this is not true, however there's still a good amount of me that doesn't know what to think. I can't say i'm 100% sure about this. I hate letting the day's pass us by without really getting to the bottom of things. Time is going to keep going past us and the next thing you know months have past and things have changed again. When can we find the right moment for us to...be us? We go on with our days because no times seems right, or we just can't find the time to make things right. I don't want months to past or things to be forgotten or buried so far deep its impossible to get back to the surface. Yet...i'm still not even 100% comfortable talking to you about everything because...we haven't been on the same page in...a really long time.

Why does today feel like i'm in a world wind? I feel like things are flashing by me and I can't grasp anything because its going by too fast. I feel like everything around me is going a hundred miles an hour and i just can't keep up and opportunities are passing me by.