sparks

If i let myself...i still get the small feelings of hope, warmth, and the tingles you gave me back then. If i let myself think about the last time we were on the same page and were...for the lack of a better word to describe the situation...happy.

Every now and then I'll have the thoughts of you and I from the past and that small glimmer of happiness appears...except what follows soon after that is the heart ache of who we are today and the space that separates us. How we don't even talk anymore and the feeling of everything that was between us was a waste...

but there are the few, small moments of where i remember...

screw you blog.

So I just wrote a WHOLE bunch of shit in this blog, yet something happened and I signed out when I didnt click log out and somehow I lost what I just spent the last...hour or so writing a long overdue post. I don't know if I even have the headspace, energy or the memory to even re-write what I just spent the last hour doing. Stupid blog. I wish your auto save was a little bit better. I'm only going to create a little outline and hopefully I can write all that I wanted to write this time..but later.

-How lately I've been finding things in common with some new friends and people i never thought I would. Its crazy how the thoughts you have, insecurities and what not, how people share the same thoughts and ideas. It gives me hope that there are people out there that understand me and there are people out there that can be there for me. It just gives me a small smidgen of hope that I'm not alone out there. Though sometimes, especially lately, it feels that way.

-I went away for the weekend which I was dreading profusely. I did not want to go, I was stressed out and was not looking forward to it at all. I didn't want to go talk about my feelings, share with others and do some self-exploration exercises with 7/8 other people some of which I barely even know, or like. One of the main things was though that I wanted to avoid someone as much as possible. Well really, I just wasn't sure how to act around this one person. What I thought were my two options, bitchy and normal didn't seem like the right fit at all. I also had some hesitation to go on this weekend because I felt like there could be a lot riding on it, when it came to a certain subject. I felt like this weekend could make or break a relationship and I don't think I was ready for that answer. I didn't want to hope that something good would happen and a friendship would be rebuild, or something even better then that. But I was also afraid of finally coming to terms about whether or not this relationship was worth fighting for. I don't think i was ready to come to that conclusion yet. There's no stopping time however and the weekend came up and I had to go on this trip.

-However this trip wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Actually, looking back it was a wonderful trip and overall a positive experience. Sure there were some crap moments and some negative aspects, but that's just life. Once my car consisting of 3 awesome people started to trek to our destination the weekend started. Once we set out on that open road with the ipod music blaring, sun shinning, windows down, I started to feel the stress and weight on my shoulder start to dissipate. This feeling of being relaxed and carefree has been so foreign to me lately that I wasn't going to let anyone ruin that. I wanted to enjoy this feeling of being relaxed and carefree especially during the weekend because I didn't know when the next time I would have this chance, especially since I can feel the work piling on once again as I'm back to "civilization." Also during this trip I made the decision that someone in particular was not going to get to me. I was going to dead this person because there was no point on dwelling of what was clearly NOT there anymore. Again, I wasn't going to let someone ruin my weekend. I'm tired of playing that role of being the one who takes action and looks like a douche in the process or a sad little kitten begging for something. That's not me and I won't let it be me, especially not with a person.

Another topic that has been on my mind lately is letting this blog go. I mean that in the sense of putting the link out there and letting people read what i've written. It might make things so much easier because i haven't held back in these posts, I've only held back on the names of people and the specifics. It might be easier to just let people read these posts because it gets everything out in the open. There's no more need to hid or play the what if game. I could safely say that I took the plunge and wouldn't need to worry about the what if's anymore, which can drive you crazy. However once I let this blog "go" in a sense, its not longer mine. That's what I feel like. People I know will be reading this and I'll have to be mindful of what I put up here. At least I hope if I let this go, people will care enough to read it. But really, once I know that people can read this, it'll be different. I'll be self conscious of the words I write and I'll no longer to the no-holds back post and just say what I feel. I don't want to hide or hold back, though sometimes I do. I don't want to hide behind the facade anymore and I find it much easier when the truth is said. By letting people, or certain people read these posts I think it provides them with a much more inside look into me, and might help progress things forward. But I don't know if I'm ready yet to expose myself like that.

Vent/Rant

I haven't wrote in here in a while, mostly because nothing has come across my mind lately that's been needing to get out. Nothing noteworthy has happened to me over the past couple of weeks that i felt the need to write about. More importantly I've just been taking each day by the day. Just going through the motions to get through the day. I haven't spent the time to think about all that's happened or take a breather. I've just gone through each hour of the day for weeks now. Guess by doing that, and not thinking/processing everything its led me to this point of me wanting to explode. I felt like i needed somewhere to vent, rant, scream, yell out my feelings and thoughts before they get misplaced to someone else. I guess its also why i feel like everything is crashing down on me today and this week in particular. I'll definitely have to write soon because once again i'm leaving for my all-'important and fun' retreat weekend. Yea..I can still remember how i felt when I left in the fall and let me tell you...I'm really looking forward to that again. I think i might be if not equally or more excited about the trip then i was last time i went up. I can only hope its not the same shit-fest it was in the fall but..as of right now, my hopes dwindling on its last leg.

The more important reason for me writing an entry today when I should be tackling the endless list i have of shit i need to get done before i leave and the weekend goes to waste, is that i need to vent. Simple as that. I'm pissed at everything and have no outlet to express that anger. I can't vent to someone, or at least the person i have in mind because i have a feeling i'm pissing her off with my bad, pissed off mood. So, I'm angry a lot, I hate on people a lot. Sue Me. I am the way I fucking am. I don't see the reason for me to guard myself anymore. It's fucking tiresome and why should i? If you don't like me or don't accept me for the way I am then I don't need you in my life. I'll just have to continue to guard myself when I'm around you and what kind of shit is that? How much work is that to do for the rest of my life?

People disgust me. I don't get why you have to put on a front, or act the way that you do. Why must you have to have the constant need for attention or to be a jackass? I don't understand why you say someone's annoying as FUCK yet you still make the effort to talk to that person? or you something to reach out to them? I DON'T FUCKING get it. I don't know how the fuck your head works. You're also one of the reasons why I'm dreading this fucking weekend and its not fucking surprise that you had this effect on me last year as well. I don't even think I can help not being an asshole to you during the weekend. At this point, because i'm so fucking pissed theres no way I can be civil. I wont be fake and act like everythings okay. Which is exactly why I can't imagine this weekend will be anything but shit.

I thought venting would help me out, however its only getting me madder. I can't think of anything right now that would help me calm down. I can feel my blood boil and its getting to the tipping point. AND i'm getting a fucking headache. I can almost feel myself starting to shake with anger. I can't focus on anything nor can I really pinpoint everything that's making me mad. Though I can pinpoint what caused me to almost go over board, which is what I wrote up ^ there.

I'm tired of being kick to the fucking curb and obviously not cared for. And that goes for more than one instant. I don't know how much more I can put up being constantly shit on by my mother. It's getting to the point that the deliberate efforts on her part to ignore me are getting more and more obvious, when as a mother that shouldn't be the FUCKING case. I know i'm not the favorite. I know i'm the second best child. I can pretty much go throughout my day with being in this house and not being talked to. If i am being talked to by her, its mostly to put me down or criticize me. Mostly I get constantly ignored by her. I'm going away for the weekend, she knows this. I won't be in cell phone range therefore we'll have limited if at all communication. So what does she do? She makes the grand ol' effort to talk to my brother about the plans she has for their weekend. She talks to him and only him when we're both her children and both in the house. There's three people in the house yet she'll only talk to one. She won't acknowledge me only when she needs to yell. I can only be pushed so far. Half of my therapy will be because of this shit. This is everyday. Her not including me in the conversations, her just talking to my brother. Her outright expressing her concern over my brothers behalf and not mine. Its sickening. I've had to deal with this for some time now. And its just pushing me farther over the edge.

I can't tell when this angers going to die down. It hasn't yet after venting and hopefully it wont get misplaced onto someone else and they'll have to feel my wrath. I'm trying hard for that not to happen.

quick post

Had to get my thoughts out in case i forgot them...

How hard is the truth from you? Or How am i suppose to tell that your telling me the truth and that all that you say to me is what you really feel. All those persona's you portray only reinforce the fact that I can never know when your being honest with me. How do i know that i'm not another one of your little puppets you like to play around with? I know to some extent this is not true, however there's still a good amount of me that doesn't know what to think. I can't say i'm 100% sure about this. I hate letting the day's pass us by without really getting to the bottom of things. Time is going to keep going past us and the next thing you know months have past and things have changed again. When can we find the right moment for us to...be us? We go on with our days because no times seems right, or we just can't find the time to make things right. I don't want months to past or things to be forgotten or buried so far deep its impossible to get back to the surface. Yet...i'm still not even 100% comfortable talking to you about everything because...we haven't been on the same page in...a really long time.

Why does today feel like i'm in a world wind? I feel like things are flashing by me and I can't grasp anything because its going by too fast. I feel like everything around me is going a hundred miles an hour and i just can't keep up and opportunities are passing me by.

Got It All Wrong- Wakey!Wakey!

It's been long enough that I can think of you
It's been long enough that I can speak to you
But I don't really think that you want to anymore
And I could've done much better for you
Yeah I could've done much better for you
But you could've done much better for me I'm sure

What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong

So we tried our best but it wasn't enough
And yeah we tried so hard that we fucked it up
And I understand, yeah I understand your love
And it's gotta be hard, what you're going through
And I get what you say but it's what we do
Got to see her and I guess what's done is done

What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong

The days are short and the nights are long
And it's all fucked up but we carry on
Cause there's little else and there's nothing left to do
And I could've done much better for you
Yeah I could've done much better for you
But you could've done much better for me too

What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all wrong, and what if we got it all wrong
What if we got it all, what if we got it all wrong

-Got It All Wrong, Wakey!Wakey!

Time

Time is a funny thing. It's constant. There's no changing it, it happens whether we like it or not sometimes. Sometimes time helps heal the wounds we have and sometimes it makes those wounds we have, bigger.
I started this blog in November 2009 and now its Feburary 2010. Sure its only been four months but actually, i'm quite surprise i've kept this blog up for so long. It doesn't seem like four months is a long time but looking back at the entries and remembering what i've been going through for these past four months..it feels like a journey. Four months ago i needed something to turn to, to express the thoughts and feelings I was having because there was no one I could turn too. I've dealt with some of the lowest lows and highest highs these past four months and looking back today, its hard to imagine that it's only been four months. It feels like a whirl wind.
I've had to deal with losing one of my closet friends these past few months. Slowly but surely I have. I had to go through a time where I felt like I was losing him to someone else then have him come back in my life, though slightly different. Then again losing him slowly once again. There was a time where I would think about this person everyday. You could see it in one of my previous post about how comfortable I felt around him, how I thought about him everyday. It's funny how time changes those feelings. I went day by day thinking about him with nothing happening. I went through each day hoping our friendship or relationship would bounce back to normal or escalate into something better, but it never did. Instead I just lived day by day without my 'best' friend to talk to. After talking to this person everyday for, god knows how long and it seemed like forever, I wasn't anymore. I had to get use to the fact that this person was no longer there for me to talk to anymore.
Days would go by and I would silently wait and hope that we would somehow find our way back. However sometimes during those days I got hurt by the very same person I was hoping to change this situation we were in. I had convinced myself that this was just a phase and it wouldn't go on too long. Things were just off for the moment but they would bounce back. However those days just dragged out longer and longer and I was getting hurt more and more each day. I finally had to come to the realization that things weren't going to change. All this hoping and waiting wasn't doing anything and it surely wasn't doing any good for me. And so I had to start letting go. I had to go through my days not thinking about this person which at the time I thought was impossible. And now...now that time has past, I realize I do think about this person less. I'm not waiting around anymore or hoping because it did me no good. It's just now I realize just how much time and how far we've come.
There use to be a time where not a day went by without us speaking to each other and now I'd be more surprise if I heard from that person then the silence I receive everyday.
Time is helping. The days our passing by me and the pain I feel is becoming less and less. It's still prominent, and probably will be for some time but its less, slightly less then the day before. And now I just have to go on with my life not hoping for a change in this person because the alternative hurts more.

Hung Up

It's been a little while, my past two posts have been solely songs. I guess I'm just slowly...definitely slowly coming to realize that...i have to move on. I have to stop being so hung up on the past because its not helping me move forward. For a good long while I didn't have the biggest support system. I dealt with problems and issues all on my own, thought about them in my own head and took my own advice. This worked out for me, then again this was all I had. Now as i've built up my support system and have a fair share of people i could go to if i truly need help, i find myself having to guard myself and not being able to fully tell them whats going on in my life. In certain situations I have to leave names out and when i can say names these people don't really understand to the full extent just what's going on in this situation. I guess, people really can't know to the full extent what situation your in, until they themselves are in that particular situation. But they can still listen, still give their input and in some cases offer some advice and what they think. And now lately...now that i have been telling people whats going on in my life, to some extent, I find that i'm slowly...kinda, losing myself in all of this. I'm worried, and I shouldn't be, I know I shouldn't be. But i'm still worried about what these people say when they do realize just how deep I am into this situation and what they're gonna say when I don't listen to their advice. I know I should, it'll probably be beneficial for me to listen to them...but I just can't find myself...yet.

I pride myself to be tough. As much as i believe in all that fairy tale romance and the typical chick flick story I don't want to be that naive girl that keeps going back to the asshole, or the douche. If i step back, look at my own situation from the outside, take the emotions out of the equation, I would kick myself. I would tell myself that I should be better then this. I should move on, kick this person to the curb. If this person has hurt you the way that they did I would say you don't need this person in your life. However that's when the emotions come rushing back in and I immediately get reminded how much this person has already affected my life...in a good way. I truly believe that this person has helped me open up so much more and made me so much more self aware. This person has helped me become much, much, much more comfortable in my own skin. This person has made me realize that I don't need to change for anyone and that I should just be exactly who I am. That's kinda funny though...because this person says that..yet we're not together. Or can't be. I don't know. That could be another story, or one in all the same. I'm realizing now as well that this blog, as it started out as my outlet and for me to write my feelings out using song lyrics, has majorly been about one person, or a situation around this person.

I heard the other day that sometimes people..."They wanna hear the songs with the words they're too afraid to say..." Which i find completely and utterly true. This is what my blog was to be based on. Finding those song lyrics to express those words I'm too afraid to say. And that has been true these past couple of days for me. I've had trouble talking and finding the words to say to this one particular person, however as you've seen in my past two posts I've found the songs. These are the words I would want to say. I just haven't found the courage yet. Well that's one part. The other part is just me thinking I need to be strong and move away from something that has proven its not good for me.

I've slowly done that though. I have been pulling myself away and trying not to dwell on the fact that this situation is not working out. However, like its happen in the past, as soon as i make the effort to move on, move past whatever it is, the other person draws me RIGHT back on. Almost immediately. It's like they have a radar. So I got sucked right back in and even though i told myself not to get my hopes up, lets just see where this sudden revelation goes, see if it takes...it didn't and my hopes got drawn up a bit. So the end result? Me getting hurt, once again, even if its a little bit, it still adds onto the already there pile. And now...i'm just trying not to see the point in trying anymore. And honestly, I think i've become the girl that has gotten kick so many times that she FINALLY comes to realize that enough is enough. I wish that the first kick would have done this end result..but it didn't, and i had to endure the many kicks first. However...sadly i have to say that we'll see how long this lasts because I'll admit, i'm sure I can be easily swayed to having my hopes up again. I blame all the romantic comedy's or chick flicks I've seen. They give me hope that someday I'll get my own chick flick type story and happy ending.

This post was all over the place but I had to get something out. This isn't one of the best writings i've had, but I needed to post. I thought I should share some freelance thoughts going on in my head today. Back to pandora-ing Colbie Caillat and finding chick flick movies and reading romance novels..by Nicholas Sparks. Yea...i'm just feeding the monster..I know.