vent

I love making plans with you. You fucking always break it. This is two days in a fucking ROW. I called you yesterday about the beach that YOU invited me to go. I said yes, i wanted to go. What happens the next day? YOU GO TO THE BEACH WITHOUT ME. NO FUCKING PHONE CALL OR NOTHING. AND TODAY? LETS GO TO THE MOVIES TONIGHT. THE MOVIES AT EITHER 6:45 OR 9:30, OKAY 9:30. DID WE END UP MAKING IT? NO CAUSE OF YOUR STUPID INCONSIDERATE ASS. Then fucking, fine. so we don't make that showing, there's another one at 10. BUT FUCKING NO, because its tooo late for my fucking brother. A HALF HOUR LATER?! FUCKING SERIOUSLY?! SERIOUSLY1?! C'MON FUCKING PEOPLE. WE MADE PLANS WHY DON'T WE FUCKING STICK TO THEM. GODDAMN. DOES IT NOT OCCUR TO SOME PEOPLE THAT WE LIKE TO STICK TO PLANS? WE MAY ACTUALLY BE LOOKING FORWARD TO THESE GODDAMN PLANS TO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE? NO! FUCKING NO. GODDAMN, SOMETHING SO MINUSCULE AND SMALL YET PEOPLE FUCK IT UP. I'D RATHER GO SEE THIS FUCKING MOVIE MYSELF THEN FUCKING ASSHOLES. GODDAMN I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM HOW MAD I AM RIGHT NOW. ITS FUCKING BLAZING HOT, I HAVEN'T DONE SHIT ALL FUCKING DAY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS MOVIE ALLLLL FUCKING FUCKING DAY. FUCKING CHRIST PEOPLE. GODDAMN. I NEED A BETTER WAY TO RELEASE THIS FUCKING ANGER I'M FEELING BECAUSE "WRITING" IT OUT IS JUST NOT HELPING. THE ANGER IS JUST BUBBLING UNDERNEATH ME WANTING TO FUCKING SCREAM, YELL, PUNCH SOMETHING IN THE FACE. SO FUCKING MAD THIS FAMILY IS FUCKING ASSHOLES. AND MY BROTHER DOESN'T EVEN SEEM FAZED ABOUT IT. JUST SIMPLY STATES THAT THIS IS WHY HE NEVER MAKES PLANS WITH OUR COUSIN. THEN FUCKING FINE, WE SHOULD HAVE WENT TO SEEN IT OURSELVES AT 9:30. GODDAMN I'D RATHER GO SEE IT MYSELF TOMORROW FUCKING PEOPLE, I CAN'T STAND TO BE AROUND THEM RIGHT NOW. I RATHER GO TO BED NOW AT 9 FUCKING 40 BECAUSE I'M SO MAD AND THERE'S FUCKING NOTHING TO DO IN THIS BLAZING HEAT. I'M SO MAD RIGHT NOW ALL I WANT TO DO IS THROW SOMETHING. ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I CAN GET MY HANDS ON. FUCKING IDIOTS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES. GOD FUCKING DAMN.

On My Own

Because it deserves its own entry.


And now I'm all alone again,
Nowhere to go, no one to turn to.
Did not want your money sir,
Came out here cuz I was told to.
And now the night is near,
Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping.
I think of him, and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping.
The city goes to bed,
And I can live inside my head.

On my own,
Pretending he's beside me.
All alone,
I walk with him till morning.
Without him,
I feel his arms around me,
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.

In the rain,
The pavement shines like silver.
All the lights
Are misty in the river.
In the darkness,
The trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know
It's only in my mind,
That I'm talking to myself
And not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
Still I say,
There's a way for us.

I love him,
But when the night is over,
He is gone,
The river's just a river.
Without him,
The world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love him,
But every day I'm learning,
All my life,
I've only been pretending!
Without me,
His world will go on turning,
The world is full of happiness that I have never known!

I love him...
I love him...
I love him...
But only on my own...

-On My Own, Les Miserables

Where I fell in love and realized how much I could relate to this song
Lea Michele-On My Own

Piercing, Tattoos, Thoughts, oh my.

I've been meaning to blog for some time now. Every time there's a profound, or at least what I think is profound to me, thought pops up into my head I quickly want to jot it down or blog about it so it would be forever remembered and saved. Especially since my brain nowadays forgets everything. I can't hold onto most memories or thoughts unless they're incredibly ingrained into my head. That might be due to me repressing the shit out of emotions, ideas, memories and whatnot over the course of my years, which I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that before somewhere in these entries.

Today I was thinking, or late last night, I can't remember, I was thinking about when I'll finally let people know and read this blog and whom I'd tell first. I thought about it for a long time and yesterday I realized...I don't think I want to let anyone know about it. At least...not anytime soon. I'm content with just having this for myself. I think that's the best thing. This is my outlet, for myself. For me to express myself and get my thoughts and feelings out in the open when I can't anywhere else. I haven't had to delete anything or change anything in the entries I've posted because...well no one is looking or reading them...at least not to my knowledge. And I like it that way. I can go back and reflect on what I was thinking during those times...especially the last entry. As dark and depressing as it was, I wouldn't want to delete it. It's all truth...it was how I felt at that exact moment and as I look back on the entries I've made I can go back to that one and remember how I felt that day. It was a dark day for me and I'll always remember it.

I've been thinking about change a lot lately. Change in the way I dress, how I act, the actions I take, life in general. I've been thinking about finally getting my ears pierced after years and years of saying I would never do it and basically being frightened about the idea of the pain and infections that could possibly happen. But one day I just decided...you know, it might be time. Add something to my look. I've also been thinking about tattoos...A LOT lately. Which happened relatively the same time the ear piercing idea popped into my head. It might also coincide with the fact I was looking at pictures of a celebrity I've come to admire and love. But i've always wanted a tattoo, I knew that one day I would get one. It was just the matter of what to get. In the past when I thought about it I thought about getting a little B, written in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer logo on my left ankle..as a dedication to my first tv show obsession. I loved that show and Sarah Michelle Gellar. I was never too set on that idea though. Recently I've come up with four tattoo ideas that I kinda fell in love with...two of them at least for sure. First I want to get On My Own with a small gold star next to it on the side of my right foot. It's my ode to the titled song from Les Miz. I've had that song on my ipod for years sung by different artist but never truly listened to the lyrics until I heard Lea Michele beautifully sing the hell out of that song. I realized how easily I relate to the song and by far, one of my favorite songs out there. I definitely want that on my foot. I should also read Les Mis before I do it though..just in case. But right now, I love what that song stands for. Another tattoo idea I have is getting the Claddagh Ring tattooed on my right lower hip. I believe its a pretty intimate place and its a pretty intimate symbol, to me at least so I want to get it there. Its also a small ode to my first tv obsession because that's where I first learned and fell in love with that ring. I've worn that ring ever since. I've also want a tattoo on my wrist which I was thinking about getting Think, Process. It would be a reminder to myself to think and really process what's going on in my head...as so I wouldn't repress it. I don't like repressing thoughts, its definitely not healthy, I know that. However I've done it for so long now, its become a habit, a coping mechanism. So it would be my reminder not to do it. I also want Jan on the left side of my body by the ribs. I won't be a Jan forever. When...or sadly if...I ever get married, I'll be taking my husbands last name. I won't "really" be part of the Jan family any longer. So it would be my ode to my family. Those are my four tattoos.

This post wasn't to thought provoking or reflection based but I thought i should blog. Its already June 17th and I haven't blogged for the month of June. I want to keep up the habit of blogging at least 3 times a month. So here's to this month. Maybe more tomorrow I'm actually getting tired and "talked" out.

empty. numb.

I made another mark yesterday. After two hours of sitting, thinking and picturing what would happen...what if...

I feel numb. I feel as though i don't have the right to feel better. I should feel like shit. I'm a horrible person. I've hurt people due to my own inability to do things, to take action. I deserve to not do anything, to sit in the dark, in my room the entire day. I should starve myself. I don't deserve to eat anything. I don't need it. I don't even deserve to be on this computer or enjoy anything. I shouldn't.

Hello, Lucky. Sorry.

I've been alone with you
Inside my mind
And than my dreams I've kissed your lips
A thousand times
I sometimes see you
Pass outside my door
Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all that ever wanted
And my arms are open wide
Because you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much
I love you

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again
How much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello!
After got to let you know
Because I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

Hello!
Is it me you're looking for?
Because I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying I love you

-Hello, Lionel Richie (best performed by Lea Michele & Jonathan Groff live)


Do you hear me? I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning 'round
You hold me right here, right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

-Lucky, Jason Mraz featuring Colbie Caillat

And finally, my third part of today's post. Sorry's don't mean a lot. Most of the time its just a word. The word, the phase, the saying, can only do so much. It can't take away the pain, anger or sadness in you're heart. It can only make the other person feel better. And most of the time it takes them an incredible amount of courage or motivation to say sorry in the first place. So let's just save us both the trouble. Find a better way to say sorry.

socks and ambitions

Its disheartening when you realize that some relationships just dissipate over time...some reasons known while others are still in questioned. It's like that infamous sock monster in your washing machine, the one that claims that one sock so that there's never a complete pair anymore. This thought came into my head today as I was wishing an old friend a happy birthday. This day actually brought me back five or so years ago where this day had such significance in my life. It brought me back to all those memories and friendships I had with people. Most of whom I'm not in contact with today. It got me realizing how sad it is that I don't really have relationships with those same people that I saw almost everyday for four years. Relationships come and go however do we ever take a step back and realize how many relationships you've lost? Now I may be one of few out there where relationships or friendships, whatever you like to call it, just got dwindled out over time. You lose touch, lost contact, but somehow life goes on. There's not much impact over the lost of the friendship...at that time. However looking back, you might get sad that you lost contact with that person. I know I have...with many people. This is your life, it's what you make out of it. The people in your life are there because of you, what you make out of it is all on you. So these lack of friendships or relationships seem like one less relationship you'll have in your life...if this disconnect continues. Sure you can create new relationships with different people. There's that endless amount that you can create, however what about all those that you have lost? Do they just go into the waste-bin to be taken out like last weeks trash? These people had some impact in your lives otherwise no relationship would have been form, therefore what do you do when these relationships are no longer on your 'radar' so to speak. Or you've just realized that yea, you both have gone on with your lives however you don't want to just lose all communication, lose the friendship forever.

I guess I had no real purpose to that whole "rant" but i felt it needed to be said. It just saddens me that I've lost so many relationships whether it was due to just time passing and lack of communication or just because things got busy and people went about their lives. I know I went about my life, went through the motions and did all the things I needed to do. However as I've said before one thing that was lacking was those friendships or relationships that I craved. I didn't really have anyone I could turn too. I guess I didn't create strong bonds.


Along with just going through life and going with the motions comes my next thought. You know, I have many ambitions in life, it might not be obvious to those around me, but I do. I have desires to do things, be spontaneous and such. I want to be able to be free and do the things that pleases me. However I feel held back. I feel held back by something...all the time. This feeling has prevented me from doing about 95% of the things I've wanted to do. You could say its my own doing or the fact that I've never really been able to 'spread my wings' and fly out of the nest...for a while at least. I can chalk that up to my overbearing and over-protective mother. -Oh how so many things come back to her. Which I don't need a therapist to tell me the relation of that. But that's basically it, this feeling of being held back. Sometimes I can't even notice it happening but I do notice how opportunities have come and gone and hardly, if ever have I've taken the chance to jump on them. I hate 'what if's' yet this feeling of being held back has caused so many of that. I can't help but wonder how my life would be different had I gone after all those things I've wanted. Had I chased the dreams I've had, and some, still do. Had I be more bolder and really be aggressive in getting what I wanted. Had I just jump and taken risks. I guess there's still room to change this...
Then again, as always it's easier said then done.
Though i've heard that if you start pretending to be the person you want to be, eventually you become that person.

silently weeping

How is it that I always get in trouble. 98% of the things that come out of her mouth is me getting yelled at and her telling me to watch the tone of my voice. It seems like I can't do anything right in her eyes. How would you feel going throughout your day/life knowing you're second best. You'll never be good enough. You can do 9 things right but what will get noticed is that one thing you didn't get right. That one thing will get blown into a huge deal and something you hear about the rest of the day.

It seems like my mother purposely waits till i'm out of the room to speak. She doesn't talk to me, nor does she want me to hear anything thats going on. She only wants to talk to my brother. She only acknowledges my brother. I have to go throughout the day hoping i don't say anything around my mom because in an instance she can get mad at ANYTHING I say and yell at me for doing something wrong.

I have to bite my tongue at everything i say around her. If i ever dare to talk to her, I have to watch tremendously what I say because she takes almost everything I say as something negative or with an attitude. My brother can say the exact same thing or things worst than what I say and never get in trouble. He can full on yell at her and call her stupid or retarded yet If I ever dare to say something even remotely like that, oh you best know that I'll be hearing that for a week. Fuck, I'm still paying for my teenage years where I did give attitude and was a hellion. However what teen doesn't go through that? However everything I do wrong now the blame gets brought back from my teenage years and I'm accused of all the things I did during those formative years.

I have to tread lightly on water everyday when I walk into this house when my mother is home. I constantly have to guard what I say and bite my tongue because anything I say can set the bomb off. It's like I have no emotions when I come into this house. I'm not allowed to speak my mind. Either I don't get taken seriously or I get into trouble. So after getting yelled at a few hundred times I've been condition just to shut my mouth and eat my food, go about my day in quiet. Its quite simple, I just don't speak anymore.

I go throughout my day in silence. Not able to express my emotions for fear of getting yelled at. If I get mad, god forbid me to ever express that because that would just make it worst. Nothing I do is justified, therefore what's the point in fighting it anymore. I've even been told by my father just to shake my head and nod when my mother speaks. There's no winning against her. Honestly, every thing I do is wrong in her eyes.

I can't even try to express my feelings out because it doesn't matter, she can't see what I'm talking about. She either doesn't understand or it just doesn't matter to her. I'm an ass and have way too much of an "attitude." I'm sick and tired of her using that excuse EVERY. EVERY TIME she gets mad at me for something, or anything for that matter. I can't even look at her because she claims I'm looking at her the wrong way.

When somethings not even my fault and I have to converse with her I still GET in trouble and her yelling at me. I'm actually surprised I've lasted this long without blowing a gasket, however I guess it just a matter of time. However even though I haven't blown the "gasket" yet, the pain and repercussions of these feelings i feel everyday have come out in other mediums.

I'm shaking with anger today because the madness I feel is getting all too much. I've had tears silently fall down my face because the pain is just unbearable today. And the worst part is I didn't cause this. This incident was entirely out of my hands. It came about because of my own cousins stupidity, recklessness and irresponsibility. I can't stand it anymore.

I don't know how many more days I can silently weep or have the harm built up inside me without letting anyone know how i truly feel. It's becoming increasingly unbearable.